Transformation

2012 has been a year of transformation for me. I've transformed by body, my thoughts, my relationships, my behaviours - my life.

This is not to say that I was A, and am now C, so my job is done. More that I was A, then I was B, and am now C, and will continue on my journey in the hopes that I will one day be Z.

I need to zero in on things and focus a bit, though. I've got too many balls in the air - too many areas of my life that I'm working on, to the point where my "self-improvements" have begun resembling something along the lines of "jack of all trades - master of none".

I'm working on several things right now, including, but not limited to:

• My 100 Thing Challenge - for myself, the house, and the whole family
• P.I.N.K. Method Challenge
• Transforming My Marriage, Without Words
• The Secret - Living with Gratitude - The Laws of Attaction
• Recipe Card Cleaning System
• Maintaining a Minimalist Vision During the Holidays
• Living Simply and Frugally

All of these are things that merit my attention - my undivided attention. I felt immediately connected and committed to each of them when they crossed my path, and I believe that staying true to them will allow me to more closely resemble the person I dream of being.

The reality is that I can't do it all at once - I need to prioritize. It's so hard to prioritize between things that you LOVE, though! Which one is less important than the other? Is my emotional well-being more or less important than my physical one? Where to my relationships stand on the priority scale? Some of these involve the participation of others in the family... Does that mean that I should start with ones ONLY requiring me - so I can check them off my list and move on? Or does that mean that I should START with those, since it may take more time to gain their cooperation and implement?

So many questions to ponder and decisions to make as I continue my transformation, and steer my journey into the new year :)

Evolution

Do you have one of those people in your life that just knows how to push your buttons? They know you so well, that they can zero in on them with no trouble at all. The ones that seem to go in looking for a fight - and they get one.

I have someone like that. And do you know what? I often responded in a perfectly predictable manner. The simple fact is that I am who I am, so I will react to certain things in certain ways. So this person would steer things down a certain path, and I would get sucked right into it - hook, line & sinker.

Not tonight.

Tonight I decided to temper my response - and bite my tongue. I didn't put a fake smile on things, don't get me wrong. But when things went to a place that I felt was unacceptable or unproductive, I simply and calmly said so. I drew my line very clearly in the sand.

Interesting reaction from the other party.

I threw things off their game - moved them in a different direction. Basically said, "I'm not going to play this game" and decided not to. It feels scary, breaking pattern like that. As much as the old patterns of behaviour were awful, at least they were predictable. They had ther own ebb and flow, and you knew how it would all turn out. It's the uncertainty that scares us away from making a different choice, responding differently, reacting differently. It's scary as hell to take a road not previously taken... a windy and unknown road that you don't know where it leads to.

I'm going down that road now - I'm evolving, and my relationships are evolving... I'm taking the unknown path and hoping for the best - because hope for better things is what drives us to change and move forward.

Here's to the new evolution! May it take me down a better path than the roads previous taken.

The Ability to Overlook

We live in a time where there is so much to do, and not enough time in which to do it. We get creative with our time management, and look for ways to shave things down. Part of this involves deciding what ball needs to get dropped, or what tasks to let slide for awhile.

A main deciding factor in this? The profile of the task. Is it something that is obvious? Will people notice if it isn't done? If so, can the fact that it isn't done be easily justified? If no one will notice, if it's easy to overlook, this is the sort of thing that can slip by the wayside from time to time.

The reality is that far too often, for most of us, we let things go until we just can't ignore, them anymore. There can be any multitude of reasons why we procrastinate: time, money and effort are the biggies.

Didn't get that "check engine" light on the dash checked out, now the car's making horrible noises and you can't wait any longer... would've been simpler, more convenient, and cheaper to take it to the shop before this point, but hey... human nature, right?

Didn't get the bathroom cleaned when it only needed a quick wipe... now you've got surprise guests and it needs to be scrubbed. Should've done it sooner, but because the mess wasn't staring you in the face, it was ignored, and now it's embarrassing.

Didn't exercise regularly because a look in the mirror told you that you looked okay - you didn't need to work out.... Now your muscles have gone soft, you've gained back a few pounds, and your clothes don't fit the same way. Should've maintained things, but because the reasons for being healthy were no longer staring you in the face, you let yourself go.

The people in my family (myself included) have a remarkable ability to overlook things that we don't want to deal with. We ignore messes as they accumulate, and we're lazy by nature. Unless we absolutely HAVE TO do something, we don't. Unless there's no way for us to avoid something, we'll make every effort to do just that.

This is something I'm becoming more aware of, as time goes by. I'm implementing systems (hey - it's what I do) in an effort to get things on track - to tidy and clean before things look like they have to be cleaned. My theory is that our house will then always look super clean and tidy, all the time. I know, I know, probably wishful thinking, but hey...a girl can dream, right? I need to work on taking away our ability to overlook things. Wish me luck!

Inertia

I know what I need to do. I know why I need to do it. I want to get to the finish line, there's no doubt about that... so why don't I get started?

I need to make some changes. Some things I need to START doing, others I need to STOP doing. I've made some of these changes before, with positive results, but somehow drifted away from them... Some of them, on the other hand, are completely new and unfamiliar to me.

Taking on new challenges and making changes in life can be scary, and a big step, if you intend to commit to it before going in, which is what I do. If I don't intend to finish the race, I don't sign up for it. So before I take that first step, I need to be prepared for it... mentally, physically, and emotionally.

It's back to school time... I time to reinvent oneself, if you're so inclined. It's also a perfect time to develop new routines and new habits, despite what you may have been doing during the previous year, or over the course of the summer.

A body in motion, stays in motion, while a body at rest, stays at rest. So says Newton, anyway. Hoping I get this whole inertia thing taken care of real soon.

What Next?

So... hubby's got a great new job lined up, as does his best friend and colleague from his previous business. Sounds all roses and sunshine, right? Just one little complication that needs to be considered and worked through first.

Transportation.

You see, both guys had driven company vehicles. All good in theory, at the time. Unfortunately, part of dissolving the company involves selling off the assets to cover the liabilities, hence - no more company vehicles. Realistically, though, as that had previously been their primary method of transportation for the last few years, it hadn't made sense to keep other personal vehicles, and pay insurance on it, etc.

How this impacts our current reality, is that he doesn't have a car to take him to his new job, and until he gets a couple of paycheques under his belt, no money to buy a new car. A Catch-22 situation, right?

The good news is that with some of his family vacationing this week, we're borrowing a vehicle that's available, and following that, my family's offered up the use of another vehicle for the following week. Sounds good in theory, but how far can you really take something like that? I mean, you don't want to take advantage of the situation and their generosity, but our dilemma is going to involve some creative transportation solutioning for a few weeks.

So I've been hitting the autotrader and similar sites, looking for something to carry us through. I've found a couple of vehicles with some fabulous potential, but they sound too good to be true, so the cynic in me is waiting for the catch, where they're concerned.

Hubby doesn't want to look at purchasing a car when we don't have any money or income (which sounds completely logical and reasonable) but I think this is truly one of those situations where we're going to have to spend money in order to make money. We'll see how this plays out. I don't know what will happen next... Time will tell.

Sigh

I know that I haven't posted much over the last couple of months. The simple fact is that I had a lot on the go - which isn't to say that I couldn't set aside 10 minutes of my precious time to post on my blog, but rather that I couldn't begin to sort it all out to even think of what to say.

I stopped working out. I had bought the Brazil Butt Lift DVD set, did it a couple of time, found it to be a fantastic workout, then stopped. My initial drop-off in my exercise regime happened when I hurt/broke my toe, and it really hurt to put any weight on it in my workouts. I didn't start back up again when I could have, though, as the weather heated up. We didn't have Air Conditioning and the conditions became unbearable when deliberate sweating was thrown into the mix.

My eating habits haven't been great. I will say, though, that I've become incredibly self-aware where food is concerned. I beginning to better understand what foods impact me in what ways, and even though I haven't lost any additional weight to reach my goal, I know what I need to do to continue to maintain my weight. For lack of a better term, I know how far I can push the limits of nutrition and indulgence, to enjoy some "forbidden" foods without completely derailing my efforts thus far.

Between these two things (the lack of exercise and less than stellar eating habits) I haven't felt very good about myself. I don't feel the pride that I did before. I know what I have to do, in order to get back on track, I just need to make the change, and do it. I'm hoping now that the kids are back to school that our family will start to find our way into some kind of a routine, and that the excercise can be incorporated into that routine.

My closed down his business. He's worked there for probably 10 years before he bought into it, so this was a major change, but a necessary one for a lot of reasons. He's supposed to be starting a new job early next week, though, so that'll be a good thing for everyone. It's a similiar sort of work to what he had done before, but this time he'll be working for someone else. The good side to this is that he doesn't have the responsibility and the headaches that come with being the owner of a business, and he gets a paycheque regardless of when/how much the client pays their bill. The down side to this is that he'll have to get used to answering to someone else, punching a timeclock (so to speak) and having to do thing someon else's way, whether or not he agrees with it. Wishing him lots of luck and hoping that this is the beginning of a great new stage in his life!

I've been feeling... unsettled, I guess would be the best way to describe it. Not quite anxious or stressed, for the most part, although I've had my fair share of both over the last couple of months. No, I guess it's a feeling of... waiting. Like I'm just holding my breath, watchful...waiting. I don't feel rested, and don't feel quite like myself. I wonder how much of this is related to the uncertainty that our family now faces with my husband's career change happening, how much may be because the summer simply flew by in a blur of baseball and soccer for the kids, and how much is because I'm just not taking care of myself and making me a priority.

In any event, these are some of the thoughts swirling through my head, and I don't yet have clarity or answers on any of these things. I don't fully understand my feelings about some of these things, and certainly haven't committed to any course of action to handle them. Perhaps that's why I'm feeling so unsettled... I usually have a clear vision of my path, and what I need to do to stay on it... and for the first time in awhile, I really and truly don't. I haven't made any decisions or plans about anything... I'm floating, waiting for a clearing to appear before me so that I can make a safe landing. Here's hoping I catch sight of one soon! In the meantime, I'll keep on looking and searching...

*Sigh*

Irritable

I was irritable this afternoon.

I know myself well enough to know what my main triggers of stress/anxiety/irritability are...

• disorganization
• derailing of plans
• running late
• having too much to do and not enough time in which to do it
• being out too late running errands with the kids, knowing that they should be in bed
• crowds of people
• being hungry
• general chaos

So today, I found myself back-to-school shopping. That's right. On the Saturday before school starts, I'm just starting to get things together. It wasn't for a lack of planning... I had looked through the flyers, had the list, comparison shopped, etc. Unfortunately, things didn't go according to plan.

There were some great sales in the area on school supplies we needed...unfortunately, most of the sales ended on Thursday, and I didn't get paid until Friday. What does that mean for us, in practical terms? Why was this a problem? Well, the bottom line is that it means I'm paying full price for everything, and it's all well and truly picked over, so we get very little in the way of selection.

Given that there were no good sales around our area, I figured we might try our luck in the states. After all, we made out well doing last-minute shopping at K-Mart last year, so why not give it another try? How about because there's a 53 minute wait at the Peace Bridge, 1hr 24 min at the Queenston-Lewiston Bridge, and a whopping 1 hr 42 min wait at the Rainbow Bridge! Well, I decide that if we were to head there anyway, we'd need to go to the bank first, so we head to the bank, and before changing the currency over, I check again. Now the shortest wait time is 59 minutes, and it's climbing. Change of plans - we're staying local.

We go to 2 stores, gradually crossing things from our list, and ultimately end up at Wal-Mart. The place is packed. There are too many people in the small back to school section, and someone in there reeks of BO. After juggling stacks of paper and locker accessories, Jillian tracks down a cart, and I dump our accumulated supplies in there with relief. But what's this? It doesn't seem to want to turn the corner... I'm struggling with the thing, and I realize that the right front wheel is seized. It's 1pm at this point, and several things on my "trigger" checklist are in play here... I'm hungry, it's crowded, our reality doesn't even remotely resemble my plans, and I'm feeling anxious because not only have I left everything so last minute, but no one has ANY DAMN REINFORCEMENTS!!

So my blood pressure is skyrocketing, and I can clearly visualize myself picking up the cart and throwing it through their front window/door. Not only can I picture this, but at the time, this seems to be to be a completely appropriate manner in which to handle the situation.

Needless to say, I half-wheeled, half-dragged our cart immediately to the checkout, and got the hell out of there, before things got out of control.

Back-to-school *sigh* It's that time of year again.