Boredom

I'm bored at work. I do the same things every day, day after day after day, and I'm feeling stifled, and also a little bit like I'm being wasted. My skills aren't being sharpened, I'm not being challenged... every day I work, I feel a little bit stupider, as my brain continues to go to mush from a lack of use.

There was a time when doing these same tasks did present a challenge, when I first learned them. Continuing to complete the same tasks made me feel good, because I felt like I was "mastering" them, or becoming an "expert" at them. I continued to keep myself engaged with them over time by finding new, different, and better ways to complete them, improving the process wherever possible. Now they hold nothing for me but dread, and the gnawing concern that this will be my forever, that I will slowly wither away while completing them.

Perhaps this is yet another reason why I'm focused on improving so many other aspects of my life - I need to feel challenged - I need to feel like I'm actually accomplishing something. Without doing this, I'm left feeling like something's dying inside me.

I suppose some people might think that my complaints are small, compared with what they could be. I mean, hey - I could be unemployed, right? Some might see, simply, that I get paid for doing something that I know well, and that I can do well - so no problem, right?

{sigh}

If only it were that simple. If only I didn't spend 8 hours a day doing something that made me feel small, insignificant, and of little value. If only I weren't so bored.

Motivated

I hope this doesn't jinx things (by writing about it) but my family's been really great lately with tidying up after themselves, and contributing to household chores.

I've tried all kinds of systems, and lists, and checklists, and challenges, and dozens of other gimmicky things, but nothing really clicked with people. Now we've finally got one that works.

Maybe it's also because I've redefined, and clearly defined, what constitutes a "task". Maybe it's because it engages our competitive spirits. Maybe it's because it looks fun and most tasks won't take longer than 15 minutes to complete. Maybe it's because they're older and have a better understanding of things. Whatever the reason, I'm loving it.

Everyone's picking up after themselves and looking after their own messes. They get no credit for this, and occasionally need reminders (hey - we all do sometimes), but it gets done, and this alone helps to keep things tidy.

Then, for each "task" that contributes to the household, not just the individual, they get to move a square along the chore board. When you reach the end, you get your reward (different for each of us, depending on what each person likes).

I don't know how long it will last, but I'll enjoy it while everyone's as motivated as I am, to keep our house looking it's best.

Family Time

This weekend was spent with the people I love. Hubby, kids, parents, gramma,  sister, niece and nephew.

• My immediate family worked together with me to tidy the house, do groceries, etc.
• We visited my gramma which we don't do nearly often enough. It was a lovely visit that we all enjoyed.
• We played games and cards together.
• We saw my niece's "Ice Show" (figure skating) and took tons of pics.
• My parents came over for a delicious dinner prepared by my man :)
• They stayed, visited, and played cards - just relaxing and hanging out.

At times like these, it gives me a glimpse into what our lives should be like - could be like. The weekend was wonderful - why don't we do that more often?

A slight shift in priorities is in order. Family is at the top of my list normally, but this last weekend made me realize that while that might be the case in my mind and in my heart, my actions don't always convey the fact that this is my priority.

I need to make Family Time happen more often. I want more wonderful weekends like this :)

Willpower

Willpower is a funny thing. It's something that we put a lot of stock in, and feel like in order to achieve certain things, we must have it. Alternatively, it can be a handy excuse to give up on things, with a claim that there's insufficient willpower to get to the goal.

Willpower is not like gasoline required to make the car get to work. Fact: a car cannot run without fuel (be it electric, or gas). Fact: personal goals can be achieved by making choices that move us closer to our goals, rather than further away.

Everyone has the ability to make choices - and our choices (aka our actions) are what determine our path, and therefore our destination. I'm not going to say that making the "right" choice is always easy - far from it. I'm only saying that it's not like we don't know what the right choice is.

Someone recently said in a presentation, "Whenever you're struggling with making a decision, do the right thing. You know in your gut what the right thing is; you just need to do it". This clicked for me.

• Do I bail on plans that I made with someone because this other fun thing just came up?
• Do I order the grilled chicken wrap and salad, or the deep-fried fish and chips?
• Do I slack off and relax now, with the intention of getting my work done later?

These are the sort of decisions we make every day. Sometimes, the "wrong thing" can be very tempting, but we always know what the "right thing" is. We just need to make the choice to do it.

• Is doing the "new fun thing" more important than keeping your commitments?
• Is enjoying a meal that's admittedly delicious, but bad for you now, worth the price to your body in terms of how you look and feel afterwards? Does it taste as good as healthy feels?
• Is enjoying sloth and laziness now worth the price of either scrambling later, or not completing a task that you should have? Something that someone was counting on you to do?

The answers to these questions will be a reflection of personal values and what the "right thing" is, based on those values.

So what's needed, then, to do the right thing and move you closer to your goals?

Some self-control, perhaps, yes. A clear sense of what's important to you and what isn't, yes. An understanding of where you want to be and what you need to do to get you there, yes. I don't see that willpower is an essential element here.

Break Up Letter

Dear 180s,

I know I flirted with you and led you on for a good year before I left the 170s and settled for you. We spent most of 2010 and some of 2011 together before I left you for the 190s - but you took me back, and at the time, that meant a lot to me.

You made me feel bad when we spent time together at the pool or the beach. You made me look like someone that should hide their body. I deserve better. I met PINK and they've recently re-introduced me to the 170s. I had left the 170s for you because I abused them with junk food and I didn't deserve them. But do you know what? You don't deserve me. I'm too good for you now.

I've started taking care of myself again. You only make me feel bad about myself. I'd been looking at the 170s over your shoulder for awhile now, but I stayed with you because it was what I knew, even while knowing that you weren't good for me anymore. Now I'm confident that I'm leaving you for good.

One day I hope to be good enough for the 130s to take me back, even though I haven't seen them for years and took advantage of them while we were together. But for now, 170s are looking pretty damn good after the way you treated me.

Good bye. I'm sure you can make someone who wants to leave 190 very happy.

Passive-Aggressive?

I love being inspired. I'm thrilled when I come across sayings and phrases that speak to me and resonate with me. Thoughts and ideas shared by others that I can identify with and let me know that there are others with similar mind-sets.

Negative experiences leave an emotional footprint on each of us. We can move past it, but we can be taken back to those feelings in an instant if something reminds us of it.

So, sometimes these phrases, while inspirational, strike a chord that takes me back to "a bad place". I don't mean to say that it drags me down - quite the opposite. They're usually more empowering, allowing for a different way to look at a situation, or respond to it.

I've taken to sharing these things as I come across ones that I connect with, whether sharing on FaceBook or verbally. I think that they help me to feel strong and grow, and sometimes they express a thought for feeling that I have, in a new way that I would never have done.

Someone recently said that it felt like I was taking jabs at them by sharing these things. I'm considering that... it may be true - or maybe they just have a guilty conscience.

I'll give you a couple of examples of the sort of things that are currently giving me "Ah-ha" moments:

• "Forget what hurt you in the past, but never forget what it taught you"
• "The way YOU treat yourself sets the standard for others on how you demand to be treated. Don't settle for anything other than RESPECT."

There are other similar ones, but they run along the same lines - overcoming adversity and emerging stronger - recognizing what isn't working and how you need to do what's right for you to change your life for the better.

Do I sometimes feel like I'm "taken back" when I'm reading and sharing these things: absolutely. Might I then be making a jab at the person/people who have hurt me: possibly. If the person/people who have hurt me believe that it is pertaining to them, might that mean that they, too, are identifying with their "role" in the phrase: likely.

So, then... I may be passive-aggressive when sharing these things, because I'm trying to communicate things in a way that I might not have been able to before, where perhaps I should be facing them directly. The fact that I can be "taken back" to those feelings means that the wound is still fresh enough and is not yet healed. Is it better to continue to share? Or keep things to myself? Is my sharing intended to help me, or to hurt someone else? And if it's true purpose is to help me, is there any need to share?

Hmmm....

Disillusionment

Today was the first day of the next stage in the P.I.N.K. Method program, which meant I started the exercise DVDs.

Within this next stage, there are 3 "phases" of exercise, and the duration and intensity of the workout increases with each phase. Phase 1 includes 20 min workouts, Phase 2 has 30 min workouts, and Phase 3 bumps it up to 40 min workouts.... or so I thought.

When I actually looked at the "daily recommendations" which outline both nutrition and fitness suggestions for each day, it suggests a 20 min workout PLUS one of the 15 min bonus workouts! It follows a similar pattern for the first 6 days, you get the 7th day with no exercise, then on the following week, you're doing TWO of the 20 min workouts. YIKES!

This may not sound like a big deal, but for a person who is admittedly out-of-shape, whose legs are still a little shaky from this morning's workout, and who had a vision of getting the body I want by working out for only 20 minutes a day, this is a real eye-opener.

The more I think about it, the more I completely understand that I can expect to get out of this program only what I put into it, and that going the "extra mile" will only accelerate my results. The logical side of me completely understands this (I mean, really - if getting slim and sexy were easy, no one would be overweight), but the emotional side of me feels a little caught off guard.

My resolve to work the program hasn't changed, although I did feel a little overwhelmed when I realised this. My naive, hopeful self was just a little disillusioned today, which tells me now's when I need to get grounded and get to work to keep my commitment strong. The last 2 weeks (during which I lost 12 pounds!) was a cakewalk, and now's where I'm going to really test myself to see what I'm made of.

Wish me luck!