Purpose

As I continue on with my life overhaul, I have been reading various things about happiness, living consciously, and feeling fulfilled. These are goals that I have - I suppose, whether articulated and acted upon or not, they're likely goals that everyone has.

One thing that I notice keeps cropping up, is the recommendation to find your purpose. On the surface, this sounds a lot like "why am I here?" and if philosophers haven't given us a clear-cut answer to that by now, I'm not likely to find it. Perhaps it's not as complicated as all that, though.

The more I see about the subject, the more I get the impression that it's about finding something that you're passionate about, and incorporating it into your life. So I'm trying to think of what inspires me - what I can do to feel like I've left my mark on the world - or at least that I've made it a slightly better place for having been in it.

This is remarkably hard for me. I keep circling around this... and my mind gets jammed up with what I think the answer "should" be. I guess I feel like if I pursue a specific goal outside of my current role(s), that I'm somehow diminishing the value or importance of my existing responsibilities.

The simple fact is, over the years, I've lost a lot of my identity, focusing solely on being an employee, daughter, sister, mother, and wife. I've forgotten what used to make me happy before taking on these roles, and making them my priority. The me I know is only the me in each of those roles - but by myself? I don't know anymore. I've lost sight of what interests me - what inspires me - what makes me happy.

Perhaps "Be the best mother I can be" should be my life's purpose? It's a noble goal. Maybe if this were my purpose in life, my #1 goal, that the world would be a better place. But would I feel as though I didn't have my own purpose? Would it continue to leave my identity 100% tied up with my relationships and associations with others, rather than something that's just me? I think my purpose in life should be something not related to other people, necessarily, but instead be something that is mine, and mine alone. This feels selfish, though.

So I circle around it, and have yet to land on something that inspires me, drives me, and gives me a sense of purpose. I'm exploring a number of things that interest me at this point, in the hopes that I land on something that feels worthy of my pursuing it further. I have enough that I'm working on right now in my life that I'm not ready to throw myself into this pursuit whole-heartedly, but I'm definitely exploring things at this point, in the hopes that I'll stumble across my life's purpose in the process.