Exhausted

So... I haven't posted in about three weeks. I've been working at another office, a couple of hours away from home. Some times I commute, some times I stay in a hotel up there.

At the end of the day, no matter how I slice it, it means long days. If I'm travelling, there's the drive time to and/or from the office, and if I'm staying there, I feel like I should make the most of my time up there, and put in longer days.

For the last week and a half or so, I've been staying up there. Since I can't go home to my family and enjoy time with them, why not put in the extra hours, get more done on the project I'm working on, and get some OT ($) while I'm at it?

Tonight I discovered one reason why I shouldn't do this... I'm exhausted.

As you're aware, I'm doing this "PINK Method" fitness/wellness program. It involves both nutrition and exercise. I've actually been really good with planning ahead for lunches and dinners. I cook food up ahead of time, pack it on ice to bring up here - all to make sure that I have healthy and nutritious food available to me, and so that I don't fall into the trap of simply grabbing whatever's available, or going out for lunch like everyone else up here seems to do. Nope - I pack my lunches, and when I run out of something, I go to the grocery store. My hotel room's got a kitchen so I can store, prepare, and cook my food the way I want it. More economical and more healthy, so I'm on track there.

Exercise is something else altogether, though. I'd love to say that I'm the kind of person that gets up at 5:30 to exercise, then showers and is ready to start my day around the time everyone else is just waking up... but that's simply not the case. While I will say that since beginning this program mornings are definitely easier, I still like my sleep too much. Nope - I work out at the end of my work day. Not always easy under the best of circumstances (after a normal 8 or 9 hour work day), but when I'm working 10 and 11 hour work days, it's incredibly difficult to stay motivated. I still do the workout that's scheduled, though - because travelling or not, I need to make changes in my life. And if they're going to be forever lifestyle changes, they need to be something I can implement regardless of where I am.

For the first time tonight, I didn't do the workout I set out to do. I was supposed to do two half-hour DVDs. I bailed after the end of the first one. Did I give it my all during the first one? Absolutely. Could I have gone further? I'll never know the answer to that, because I didn't even try. I think that's what's getting me down the most - not only did I let myself down, but I didn't even try to avoid it. I was just plain tired.

I need to give myself a kick in the ass, and then put this all behind me - start fresh tomorrow with a brand new outlook, prepared to get back on track with my plan. Right now, though, I'm just too exhausted. I guess I'll have to kick my ass and put this behind me in the morning ;)

Commitment - Part 2

Alright... I have a LOT to say about this subject.

• I believe that a person's willingness to commit to something says something about them. 
• I believe that what a person chooses to commit themselves to, says something about them. 
• I believe that the degree to which a person fulfills their commitments says something about them.

At the end of the day, does this mean that I'm judging people based on their commitment to to things? Yes. Am I proud of that? No - but it's the truth. I also think that there are worse things that I could judge people for, so I don't feel too badly about this.

So... having said all that... here's what that means to me:

• When I find myself saying "we'll see" or "maybe" - that's me avoiding commitment. I need to get better at recognizing this for what it is. Is it that I want to say no? If so, I need to just say it, and explain why. Is it that I want to say yes but I'm just feeling lazy or am daunted by the idea of committing to it? If so, I need to be real with myself and my feelings, and just man up and commit to it if that's the right thing to do.

• I need to take stock at what I have committed myself to. Are there things that I've done for awhile, because they seemed like a good idea at the time, but that's no longer the case? Am I committing myself to things that are helping me to achieve my goals, or things that are preventing me from achieving them? Have I avoided committing to something that is worthy of my time and attention, but I haven't been able or willing to take them on due to other demands on my time? Time to re-evaluate and have some honest conversations.

• I always make every effort to follow through on my commitments. If I say that I'll do something, you can believe that I will do it. If I say that I'll stop by a store to pick something up while I'm out, I'll do it. If I think that there's a chance that the store may be closed when I'm done whatever I'm doing, I'll plan ahead and stop there first. This is because I wouldn't want to risk not following through with a commitment I've made. There are rare occasions when unavoidable things get in our way, and prevent us from following through with commitments we've made. It's what we do when this happens that says something about a person. That's what I mean when I say the degree to which a person fulfills their commitment.

When an obstacle presents itself, do you use it as an excuse to not keep your word? A way to explain and provide "reasons" why you didn't follow through as you said you would? Or do you push past it, get creative, and exhaust every possible alternative to help you to reach your goal? If the store is closed, do you drive around to other stores? How many? How much time and effort are you willing to put into keeping a commitment?

What is it worth, to be a person who can be counted on? A person whose word can be trusted? To me, it's worth everything. So...when I make a commitment, you can be sure that I will do everything I can to meet it. If I say I'll do something, I'll do it. If I say I'll be somewhere, I'll be there. When I see others not meeting their commitments, right or wrong, I am making an assessment of their values. I'm determining the degree to which I can trust them.

Commitments come in all shapes and sizes. It's each time you say you'll do something, and each time you say that you won't do something. It's each promise you make, and each casual agreement you make. It's the forever stuff, and it's the next week stuff. It's not rocket science... it's just following through; keeping your word; doing what you said you'd do.

Commitment - Part 1

Commitment has always been a critical factor with me. For me, it has always made the difference between what I would consider "success" and "failure". Everyone's personal definitions of these terms will vary, and I will likely get into what those terms mean to me at some point in the future, but for the time being, we'll break it down to simply mean that success is when I'm happy with something, and failure will refer to when I'm not.

Do I want a "successful" relationship? I need to be 100% committed to it, in order for that to happen. Do I want to be successful in my quest to overhaul certain aspects of my life? Again, full commitment is necessary.

The absence of a full commitment can, on occasion, be debilitating, however, or certainly prevent growth and forward movement. This is likely because I believe that if I'm not 100% committed to something, I will fail at it. I'm not a "dabbler". I tend not to just "try" things to see if I'm interested or if I like it.

I will often not even begin something, because if I know I'm not 100% committed to it, for the long haul, then if an obstacle presents itself, I will give up. Since it's unacceptable [to me] for me to be a "quitter," I don't bother with starting something unless I'm committed to it, or I would potentially be setting myself up for this end. And so it goes with me.

This is probably one of the reasons why I tend to research things to death. I want to develop and grow and change. I want to expand my horizons and "try" new things. Since I struggle with an inability to "try" new things and simply walk away, though, I learn as much as I can about something, to help me determine if I'm willing to commit to it.

Having said all that, once I commit to something, I'm unshakable, unflappable, and unwavering. I have already determined that I'm in it for the long haul, and that committing to it is worthwhile and good and right for me.

This is true for me in virtually all aspects of my life. It's also another reason why I'm struggling with issues like spirituality and life purpose. I'm not yet committed  to any particular path. I'm exploring, but I also believe that I'm approaching the point where I may need to "dabble" and "try" things out. This is way out of my comfort zone, but I feel like these choices are too important to make until I know that they're right for me. There's only so much research you can do before just "getting out there". And so I'm preparing to venture out into the world, to learn new things and [hopefully] find something worth committing to.

XOXO

Kisses and Hugs. We all know that they communicate to the people we care about - they can communicate passion, affection, caring, sorrow, support, love, and so many other things. They can be a way to show people how we feel, in addition to telling them.

Science has proven the benefits of hugs - physical, mental, and emotional benefits. Hugs increase levels of oxytocin and reduce blood pressure. Oxytocin triggers a "caring" or "bonding" response in both men and women, making them feel closer and more connected. When a person is hugged, their comfort level is increased, and it creates a feeling of security and trust between the people hugging.
On a side note, studies also indicate that when a hug lasts six seconds or longer, the release of oxytocin multiplies exponentially. Basically, when it becomes more than a hug - an embrace, I guess you'd call it. This is six seconds of true hugging, though. You know the kind I mean - when you don't get the feeling that the other person is thinking of pulling away, or is just there "putting time in", but is truly absorbed in the moment, like they never want to let go - that's where the magic happens.

Sometimes, in our day-to-day lives, as we hustle and bustle along, we forget about the importance and significance of kisses and hugs. While we give kisses hello, good-bye, and good-night at our house, I will admit that they are often cursory, at best. More like a gesture or a habit, than anything else.

Several sources suggest that everyone needs at least four hugs a day for healthy survival, eight hugs a day for emotional strength, and 12 hugs a day to really grow and be empowered. Stop and think about just how often you give or get a hug.

These thoughts make me realise that I have been taking my family for granted. The fact that I have these people here - willing participants for hugging and kissing; and the communication of so much love and caring, but I simply forget to do it. I think about all of the people out there in the world who don't have people in their lives every day to hug or kiss them, and I feel sad for them - and also ashamed with myself for taking these daily opportunities for granted.

XOXO

Purpose

As I continue on with my life overhaul, I have been reading various things about happiness, living consciously, and feeling fulfilled. These are goals that I have - I suppose, whether articulated and acted upon or not, they're likely goals that everyone has.

One thing that I notice keeps cropping up, is the recommendation to find your purpose. On the surface, this sounds a lot like "why am I here?" and if philosophers haven't given us a clear-cut answer to that by now, I'm not likely to find it. Perhaps it's not as complicated as all that, though.

The more I see about the subject, the more I get the impression that it's about finding something that you're passionate about, and incorporating it into your life. So I'm trying to think of what inspires me - what I can do to feel like I've left my mark on the world - or at least that I've made it a slightly better place for having been in it.

This is remarkably hard for me. I keep circling around this... and my mind gets jammed up with what I think the answer "should" be. I guess I feel like if I pursue a specific goal outside of my current role(s), that I'm somehow diminishing the value or importance of my existing responsibilities.

The simple fact is, over the years, I've lost a lot of my identity, focusing solely on being an employee, daughter, sister, mother, and wife. I've forgotten what used to make me happy before taking on these roles, and making them my priority. The me I know is only the me in each of those roles - but by myself? I don't know anymore. I've lost sight of what interests me - what inspires me - what makes me happy.

Perhaps "Be the best mother I can be" should be my life's purpose? It's a noble goal. Maybe if this were my purpose in life, my #1 goal, that the world would be a better place. But would I feel as though I didn't have my own purpose? Would it continue to leave my identity 100% tied up with my relationships and associations with others, rather than something that's just me? I think my purpose in life should be something not related to other people, necessarily, but instead be something that is mine, and mine alone. This feels selfish, though.

So I circle around it, and have yet to land on something that inspires me, drives me, and gives me a sense of purpose. I'm exploring a number of things that interest me at this point, in the hopes that I land on something that feels worthy of my pursuing it further. I have enough that I'm working on right now in my life that I'm not ready to throw myself into this pursuit whole-heartedly, but I'm definitely exploring things at this point, in the hopes that I'll stumble across my life's purpose in the process.

Stuffed

It's funny. When you're looking at healthy eating, meal plans, etc, or you consider what a portion size actually should be, most of us think "Wow - I would starve if that's all I ate - I'd be hungry all the time". This was certainly the case for me, anyway, and is still the case with many people I know. It's funny what our bodies can adjust to, though.

I've been eating "healthy" for 4 weeks, now. The first 2 weeks were much more limiting in terms of both what and how much I ate, but the last 2 weeks have included a greater variety of foods. Portion size is still a key factor, though (for everything other than low-cal veggies - you can eat as much as you want of those).

As an example, today at lunch  I had a glass of almond milk, a mix of sweet red peppers with mushrooms, and an apple. I was stuffed. I actually found myself thinking that next time I had to buy smaller apples, because I couldn't finish it all.

For dinner tonight, I had a 4oz serving of chicken breast (baked with a little Frank's hot sauce on it), about 1-2 cups of sauteed fresh mushrooms, and a fist-sized serving of baked sweet potato. I was stuffed. I practically forced myself to eat the last bite of chicken and sweet potato, and that was just because it was so yummy I wanted to taste more of it :)

This has been a huge eye-opener for me. I used to over-indulge ALL the time. I truly believed that those "recommended portion sizes" were an absolute joke, and that no normal person could eat that little. My body must be used to it by now, though. This in an of itself feels like an accomplishment for me. The fact that I can enjoy a meal that is made up of the right foods, in the right amounts, and feel full & satisfied, means that these eating habits are something I can maintain long-term, without ever feeling hungry.

Programs today seem all about the buzzwords. Gone are terms like "diet" and "exercise" as a means to reach your goals. They've now been replaced by "healthy lifestyle" and "active lifestyle" - oh - and don't forget the "total lifestyle change". I used to scoff at these things. They were just fancy packaging and terms attached to basic concepts, weren't they? I'm not so sure now... I've been on the PINK method for 4 weeks now, and I'm starting to believe the hype.

I have more energy, I don't feel hungry, I feel healthier - and I feel like the changes I'm making are ones that I can maintain for a lifetime. Proper portion sizes of nutritious foods don't leave me feeling starving, as I once thought that they would. The actually leave me feeling stuffed. I'm pretty excited about that right now.

Friendship

Science has proven that friendship is an essential element to longevity, happiness, and overall wellness. Yet it seems like (for me, anyway) when things get busy and chaotic, it's the first thing to get shuffled down to the bottom of the priority list. This is something that I need to work on - yet another thing to add to my list, I guess.

I've spent the last two evenings with friends that I've had since high school. You know the kind of friends I'm talking about - the kind that have seen you at your worst and at your best, and they love you anyway. The kind that were there to hold your hand on your wedding day. The kind that you can be apart from for months at a time, and then reconnect with as though the absence had never happened. The kind that you can sit in a comfortable silence with, without feeling the need to fill it with small talk or chatter. The kind of friend that just gets you - really understands you, so that you don't spend all your time explaining what you mean, or why you said that, or why you feel or think the way that you do.

I'm so lucky to have friends like that in my life. I need to remember that, and to not take it for granted.

Perseverance

Giving up is easy. Continuing on in the face of adversity is difficult. It can be challenging, discouraging, frustrating, and dispiriting. It's most often worth it.

I've been making good choices regarding my health and fitness over the last three and a half weeks, and for the last week and a half, my weight loss has plateaued. It was discouraging to continue doing the hard work, and declining the delicious [bad for you] foods, when I wasn't seeing the results on the scale. I stayed with the program, though, continuing to make those good choices, knowing that a) it was right for my health and b) while it may not guarantee me the results I want, making poor choices would definitely move me further away from my goals.

This morning has given me hope - I think I might've finally pushed my way past this plateau. I feel a sense of accomplishment and that rush that you get when you've worked hard to achieve something. The one you get when you've persevered despite the fact that you wanted to give up so many times. The feeling you get when you didn't give up on yourself.

It's a great feeling that I carry with me today.   :)

Butterflies

You know the feeling... you meet someone, and your heart skips a beat. You see them and your stomach feels like it's flipping (not in a pukey way). It's the butterflies that you get when you're in love.

Sometimes, you feel them, and then eventually you get used to them, and they just becomes a part of the everyday, so you don't even notice them anymore. Perhaps that feeling stays with you all the time, or perhaps it fades away without you  noticing its absence. Then every once in awhile, it hits you again - unexpectedly, thrillingly and wonderfully - catching you off guard.

Whether it be from the loving glance that lingers and makes you feel soft and special, or the absent-minded touch that instantly makes you feel connected. Whether it be from the big gestures like roses, or the little ones like offering words of encouragement. It may be a result of the small sacrifices that aren't mentioned but are done without a second thought, or the big ones involving time and effort, that are a reflection of putting someone else's needs or wants before your own. Any and all of these things have the power to create that feeling.

The last couple of days have been like that for me. I've been with my guy for just over 17 years now - and he can still give me butterflies.   <3