Burnout

I've recently found myself thinking about trips, vacations, and getaways - a LOT.

Today, during a conversation with my insightful husband, I realized the problem: I'm burned out. Between home and work, I've been dealing with a lot of challenges and responsibilities, all of which seem to land on my shoulders. There's been a lot of tension, stress, frustration, resentment...and there's really been no end in sight. I wish I could say that I'm seeing an end in sight now, or that I've already reached the light at the end of my tunnel. The reality is, though, that this is the way it is for now.

I'm looking for ways to escape this reality - that's what my vacation fantasies are really all about. I need a break - I need to get away from it all and remember what it feels like to not be wound up so tightly - to feel something pleasant and resembling relaxation.

So instead of trying to plan a weekend or week-long trip when there's no way I can fit it into everyone's busy schedules, I'm going to focus on what I really need to do - give myself a break.

At hubby's suggestion (I know, right?!?) I'm going to plan a spa day. Nothing too crazy or expensive, and not too far away, but just a little retreat where I can focus on nothing but relaxing and being pampered for a few hours. Where the most stressful thing will be deciding what color to polish my toes, or deciding what flavor tea to drink.

I need to refresh and recharge to get out of the danger zone that my current situation has me in. I need to take a break away from reality to prevent any further burnout, and who knows? Maybe even begin to repair some of the damage that the last couple of months have done to me.

To Cruise, or Not to Cruise...

...that is the question.

Our family has begun a nice tradition over the last couple of years. The week before Christmas, there's an all-inclusive ranch resort in New York state that offers great rates. The last 2 holiday seasons, our family has taken advantage of the cost savings and spent a few days at this wonderful, family-oriented place where we can ski, swim, horseback ride, rock climb, have nerf wars, and so much more! We've loved both trips and had planned to make a tradition of it, continuing on this coming up holiday season.

This works nicely with my goals of minimizing the "stuff" in our house. The simple fact is, there's really not much that we need. So we'd rather spend money making memories and enjoying some time away together, rather than buying "stuff". That's not to say that we each don't walk away from the holidays with one or two thoughtful gifts - just that it's not the all-out presents extravaganza that it might have otherwise been.

Here's my dilemma... I've never been anywhere tropical before. The furthest south I've ever been is Florida. I'd love to go on a trip someplace warm, but we can't afford to do both a tropical vacation and the ranch resort.

All-inclusive vacations at tropical destinations sound lovely, but when you're paying for 4 people, they are not affordable. There are some cruise lines that offer "kids sail free" as a standard policy. This opens up lots of options that I would never have considered before. I could see Mexico, Jamaica & St Maarten, all in the same trip!

My husband is slightly claustrophobic, which can present challenges in a cruise-cabin environment. This means that a balcony room is the only way to make this possible, but the promotional offer of balcony room upgrades, combined with a standard "kids sail free" policy, means that a family of 4 can go on a week-long cruise for only a little over $2000, taxes included.

This is tempting...very tempting... but the more I pursue this as an option, the more I feel like I'm casting aside a tradition that I was creating. Then I think, maybe it's the family trip itself that it's the traditon, rather than the location itself... then I think I'm just trying to justify things because the palm trees and warm sands are beckoning me.

I know that these are nice problems to have and decisions to have to make - there are no bad options here. The fact that "to cruise, or not to cruise" is the biggest question on my mind speaks to the fact that my life's in a pretty good place right now.

When it Rains...

Things are busy right now... too busy.

They're busy at work... too much work to do, with not enough hours in the day in which to do it. Too few days in the week to accomplish both the tasks at hand, and the attend the meetings that are requested of me.

They're busy at home... we were looking at planning a family weekend getaway, and as we went through each weekend, we discovered that there was something that someone was committed to - every single weekend. We were basically left with Labour Day weekend, and quite frankly, I'm not willing to wait that long.

So we're left with week days...and July's too busy...so once we plan around the kids summer camp early August, my trip to New Jersey mid-August, and Greg's trip to Ohio (August as well), we're left with about three 3-day stretches from which to choose. Sigh... so much for a relaxing summer...

This all makes me feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I feel like life's getting out of control, and our priorities are way out of whack - both at work and at home. At work, we need to figure out where my time should be spent - what is most important - and prioritize things accordingly. At home, family is what should be coming first... so why is it that it's so hard to find a few days to spend together? I need to figure out what needs to be cut out of the equation, and convince the people impacted to get on board with eliminating some things.

So, it seems like when it rains, it pours - too much is going on, all at once. I wanna get off this ride - I'm feeling dizzy and a little bit ill... want to get back to basics and get things to stop spinning - just for a little while.

Paranoid

So... I have these recurring thoughts and I finally decided to put them down here (especially after I shared them with someone else and they didn't treat me like a headcase). It all roots back to body image and insecurity.

As part of the PINK program, I weigh myself daily. Some may say that it's excessive... that is possibly the case, however I find that doing so really cements the relationship between my choices and my resulting weight - a direct "cause-and-effect" that's a real eye-opener.

While I'm a lot more aware of how my choices impact my body, I'm still remarkably oblivious when it comes to my body image. Half the time I weigh myself, I expect to be at least 10 lbs heavier than I actually am. I haven't been diligent with exercise over the last couple of weeks, and I find myself checking out my arms a few times a week, expecting to see the definition gone, replaced instead by flab & loose skin.

I started giving this paranoia some serious consideration the other day, and I finally realized why I think this way: I didn't see the weight gain coming the first time. By the time I started giving some serious consideration to my body and my weight, I was already 50 lbs overweight. So... if it happened before, it could happen again. I believe that if I'm not diligent and hyper-aware and watching things closely, I'll wake up heavy again.

Hopefully this paranoia will give way to self-awareness... in the meantime, I'll keep on keeping on, as I move towards my goal (which is 7 lbs away!).

At Odds with Myself

I try to be true to myself. I try to listen to my gut and follow my instincts. I try not to do something just because I should do it, or because of what other people might think - it needs to feel right and true to me.

At work, I'm being faced with multiple and conflicting deadlines. There are only so many hours in the day, and I do everything I can to maximize every minute I'm at work. During the day on Friday, I became resigned to the fact that I was not going to be able to meet the deadline of Friday, June 15th by completing my work during regular business hours. I would have to work all weekend to be able to do it all.

Enter my dilemma, and the feeling of being at odds with myself. My gut says: do what you have to do - just get it done. It tells me that I should be the shiny star that makes the magic happen, against all odds. I should be the miracle worker that managed to get it done, despite all the obstacles. I want a reputation for being that person.

Here's the reality, though... Time and time again, our team pulls out all the stops and gets the job done. I've worked 80 hour work weeks, on an ongoing basis for 2 whole months before finally drawing my line in the sand and scaling back to 60 hour work weeks. Nothing changes. The poor planning and lack of advocation on the part of our leadership team continues to put us in these situations, and our team repeatedly pulls us out of them.

So I had a decision to make... Sacrifice my weekend with my family and put in some time to increase my odds of meeting the deadline of the 15th, or enjoy my family time, work as productively as possible during working hours, and allow the leadership team accountability for their own choices.

I enjoyed my weekend immensely, and while I felt some guilt upon my return to work today, I feel that I made the right decision. I can't always be the miracle worker at work, but I can (and should) be the one to "make the magic happen" for my kids. I'm getting my priorities straight, and moving in the right direction. So while right now I feel at odds with myself, I think I'm growing as a person, and it feels pretty darn good :)

Bingeing

So...it was inevitable. After close to 4 months of following the PINK plan to a "T", I cracked. It wasn't a little crack, or a little cheat, it was binge eating - for a day and a half.

I paid the price for it - in how I felt, and in a direct and undeniable impact on the scale. I'm still in the 140s, but not as close to the low end of that range as I'd like to be, and not as close to the middle as I was.

I could see it coming for the last week or two. I hadn't been working out as diligently, either not pushing myself or skipping it altogether. I had been thinking a lot about small treats, and while I hadn't succumbed to temptation yet, I found myself justifying things in my mind.

My stomach is making gurgling noises that have nothing to do with being hungry and everything to do with not being able to digest what it's now having to deal with.

All things considered, it was probably a good thing. I found my motivation again, since I now have to "undo" all the damage I did. And I'm not craving these foods anymore, since 2 days later, they're still sitting in a pit in my stomach, and I feel very blah.

I also got the Brazil Butt Lift DVDs, in an effort to do a new and challenging  workout that I'm not bored with (yet). So between my new inspiration for both exercise and food, I believe that I'm back on track, with my bingeing weekend solidly behind me. :)