Where Have You Gone?

Oh, motivation.... where are you? Where have you gone?

I now understand why everyone says the last 10 lbs are the hardest - it's not because you work just as hard but the weight just won't come off, it's because you stop working hard.

Let's face it: for most of us, motivation to lose weight comes from the fact that we don't like what we see in the mirror. When you're within 10 lbs of your goal, though, those "problem areas" aren't as obvious anymore. They're still there, don't get me wrong - it's just a lot easier to ignore them or at least look past them, when you're so close to your goal.

You would think that the promise of a fabulous wardrobe once I reach my goal would be enough to keep things on track. The simple fact is, though, that I might need to break things down into smaller chunks to get myself moving in the right direction. Lose 3 more lbs and get a pedicure... get to within 5 lbs of my goal and get a massage... that kind of thing. I've gotta do something, because seeing the finish line in the distance seems so close, but at the same time, so far away.

And so I dig deeper to find some motivation - whatever works at this point to get me through this last leg of my journey.

Optimism and Pessimism

Last couple of days have been... well... interesting.

Work's going really well. We have a new leader on our team who, from what I can tell after a couple of days, is exactly what we need. The team spirits are up, and we all seem to be feeling something that we haven't dared to in over a year: hope.

I'm optimistic right now when it comes to the direction in which the team will be headed, and looking forward to some positive changes with this new team member at the helm.

My family life has been going well - things are good with my husband and kids... everyone's getting along, we're heading in the right direction, all together. We recently made the decision to move forward with some much-needed home improvements, and while my gut reaction has me shying away from incurring any additional debt, I've come to the realization that we aren't going to be able to save up for it - financing's going to be our only option. After movsing past my initial anxiety about this, I've actually discovered that I'm looking forward to the results, and I've made my peace with the financial sacrifice that will need to happen to get there.

My progress on my personal goals, however, has been less than stellar. I have hit a plateau in my weight loss journey. Normally, you would kick up the intensity to push past something like that - at least that's the first place to start - but I can't seem to find the motivation to do it. I haven't worked out the way that I should for the last couple of days, and yet I know that slacking off is definitely NOT the way to get where I want to be.

I'm happy with the results that I've been getting. I'm happy with the way I've transformed my body. I'm frustrated, though, with my current lack of progress, and I feel pessimistic about my ability to get to my ultimate goal, which is 11 lbs away. This is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy which is likely my only obstacle between where I'm at now, and where I want to be,

So, yeah... feeling both optimistic and pessimistic, hopeful and anxious, excited and nervous. An interesting few days, riding along on this emotional roller-coaster. Here's hoping the ride's done soon, or at least that things level off for just a couple of days :)

Another Break-Up Letter

Dear 150s,

We didn't spend much time together, I know. I remember when we first met, more than 10 years ago. I took you for granted at the time. Truth be told, when we were together back then, I often compared you to the 140s and found you wanting. And yet when I left you for the 160s, it wasn't trading up - quite the contrary.

When we were recently reintroduced through the PINK method, I was on the rebound from the 160s, yet again. While I'd like to say that it's been the 160s all this time, that simply isn't true. Things were so much worse than that. Having said that, I've turned my life around now, and am setting my sights higher.

The time we've spent reconnecting together have filled me with happiness. When I was with you, I found my old self again. I liked what I saw and so did the people around me.

While it means so much to me that you took me back when I had never appreciated you, I do feel that I need to be honest. My heart still belongs to the 130s. It always has, and always will be. It's not good or right for me to be with you, knowing that I should be somewhere else.

So I've moved on. I'm with the 140s now, and we have an understanding, knowing that I intend to be with the 130s very soon. I hope that one day soon the 130s will take me back, even though I took them for granted so many years ago. I promise that I will never do that again.

Thank you for the happiness you've given me the last few weeks, fleeting as it was. I will remember that you were there for me at a time when I needed you, but understand that I don't need you anymore.

Round Two

So... I finished round one of the PINK program. I did the reset, as well as phases 1, 2 & 3. When I was done with all of that, I found that while I had completely transformed myself (both inside and outside), I hadn't quite reached my goal.
The PINK progam provides a few suggestions, but the one that seemed to make the most sense for me was to start back at the beginning, and work my way through again.

So, today was day 3 of phase 1, which I'm tackling for the second time, this time with fewer modifications and heavier weights than the first time I went through it. My sister's been joining me with the exercise aspect of things, which provides us the opportunity to both improve our health and spend some time together. She isn't doing the nutrition side of things though, so it'll be interesting to see what exercise by itself can do.

So... here I go again! This time with the confidence and knowledge that what I am doing WILL produce results, and that I will get to where I want to be if I stick to it (Round One involved hard work, yes, but it was accompanied by blind faith and a "fingers crossed" sort of hopefullness). So with that in mind, let Round Two begin!

Lessons I've Learned

My mother is a wonderful person, and when gift-giving occasions arise, she'd like to receive the perfect card and spend time with loved ones, rather than get a million presents. Knowing this, I recently found myself making my way through the card section, on the hunt for the perfect Mother's Day card for my Mom.

I needed to find a card that expressed a heartfelt sentiment - one where every single word and phrase echoes a sentiment that is true for my Mom. While this is normally so simple feat, I actually narrowed it down to 2 cards that I really liked, then ultimately set them both aside when I finally found the perfect card.

I realized that all of the cards I was drawn to this year (it's different every year) held a similar theme - they all seemed to be about what we learned from our mother. This made me reflect on some of the life lessons I learned from my Mom. Some are things that I learned from her example, and some are things that I decided I would do differently, Because of this, some of the lessons you see may seem to contradict themselves. They're often 2 sides of the same coin. I learned a lot from my mother. She continues to be one of the strongest and kindest people I know. Certainly THE most thoughtful person I know.

• My mother taught me that kindness matters. That it is ALWAYS worth the time and effort it takes to show someone that you care. It doesn't matter if it will be recognized or appreciated. The simple act of kindness and knowing that you're doing a good thing is enough.

• My mother taught me that you need to stand up for yourself, and ensure that you are treated in the way that you deserve to be. That if you are unhappy with the way you are being treated, you need to step up and SAY something, and if that doesn't work, you need to DO something about it. Allowing it to continue is not a healthy option.

• My mother taught me to think of what everyone needs, and to try to find ways to meet those needs. Whether planning a meal or a vacation, thinking about the needs and wants of each person in the family is important for success.

• My mother taught me to make myself a priority. That it's not only okay for me to speak up and say what I want/need, but that it's important that I do so. That if all you do is give so much of yourself every day and don't make sure your own needs are taken care of, that soon you will have nothing left for anyone.

• My mother taught me to be unafraid. Change can be scary, but continuing on with something that isn't working and NOT changing, is even worse. Being able to recognize when something needs to change and having the courage to make it happen is brave, and amazing, and inspiring.

• My mother taught me that good is the enemy of great. Not in so many words - those words are generic corporate lingo learned years later - but the sentiment is the same. If you simply accept something that is good, you'll never strive to achieve something great, and therefore never maximize potential.

• My mother taught me to always try my best. There's no excuse for mediocre work - it's laziness, plain and simple, which is NOT acceptable. If you aren't going to do your best work, you're wasting everyone's time.

• My mother taught me that a clean house is important for a healthy family, but a tidy house if often more about appearances to others. As long as we know where everything is and our space works for us, that's all that matters. Would I like things to be neat and tidy? Yes. Is it something I am willing to stress out about or sacrifice precious family time for? No.

• My mother taught me that it's important to share what's in your head and your heart - both the good and the bad, but that the when, where & how you share is even more important.

There are so many things that my mother taught me, I couldn't possibly list them all. But today, on Mother's Day, I'm thinking about all the lessons I learned from my Mother, that have helped me to be the person I am today.

Relaxation

As much as I've often been a lazy person, I've always struggled with the ability to relax. I'm constantly thinking about things, planning things, and yes, occasionally worrying or stressing over things.

I took 3 days off this week. My mom (who is a godsend and watches my kids after school, most days) was playing tour guide-slash-hostess to company from overseas, so I took the time off so my kids would be a non-issue for her during their stay.

While the first day got filled up with "stuff" (not bad stuff, just things to do), yesterday and today held no demands on my time while the kids were in school. I did some very minor tidying, but for the most part, I tried very hard to relax. As I'm also on the "reset" phase of my health program, I also had no workouts to do. I caught up on some shows I enjoy that I hadn't had time to watch recently, cooked myself delicious and healthy lunches, and had some "me time".

It felt awkward and made me feel oddly guilty, like I was doing something wrong, or something I should apologize for. I don't think it's something that I could do all the time... I'd feel useless and unproductive. I will say, though, that on day 2 of my attempt at true relaxation, I'm feeling less awkward with it - like I'm finding my stride. I kinda wish I had another day or two to really practice more with this relaxation thing :)

Milestones

A number of people I work with are currently focused on health and wellness. I can't speak for them, but for me, when I say that, I'm referring to reducing my overall circumference.

Something that has come up during these group conversations is "celebrating" milestones. At the 5lb, 10lb, 20lb, or whatever that might be. It might be a pedicure, or a facial, or a pair of shoes. It might be something as simple as a quiet night with a good book and a bubble bath.

Beyond these mini-rewards, we do, of course, have our BIG reward at the end (not just the great bodies we wanted, but something more to look forward to). For some it's a vacation, for me, it's a whole new wardrobe full of fabulous, flattering clothes.

Today, I hit what I would consider a milestone. Having been on this journey for just a few days past the 3-month mark, I've now lost 40lbs. While it's unfortunate that I allowed myself to reach the point where I had so much excess body weight to lose, I think I will appreciate my new body more, having worked so hard to achieve it. My journey's not done yet, but I look and feel better than I can remember in the last 15 years, and I'm proud of myself for having reached this milestone.

Temptation

Temptation is something that's always there - always will be. We can give in to it or overcome it, but it's there, and isn't always easy to ignore.

I've been working my way along my wellness journey for just over 3 months now. Most days are easy - the simple fact is that the healthy habits have become just that - habit. The thought of eating unhealthy foods usually doesn't even cross my mind just because it simply isn't an option for me, and hasn't been for quite some time now. This is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because I don't have to "overcome" things or struggle with them or feel deprived, because it isn't even a thought or consideration for me. It's a curse because when those thoughts do come to me... when I'm unable to ignore things and I'm truly tempted, I feel ill-equipped to handle it.

This weekend was like that...  It seemed that every where I turned, there were delicious temptations available to me. Now, anyone that knows me, knows that I have a sweet tooth - and that the term "sweet tooth" is a major understatement as it applies to me. Chocolate, in particular, has a special place in my heart.

So I encounter:

• chocolate easter bunnies (the 1-lb, solid variety, which would be delightful dipped in peanut butter...mmmmm)
• chewy/gooey cookies containing both chocolate chips and mini peanut-butter cups
• nanaimo bars
• boston cream pie (which seems more like a cake than a pie, but whatever...)
• those peanut butter balls that have rice crispies in them and are covered with chocolate
• chocolate covered strawberries
• butter tart squares
• date squares
• cheesecake
• chocolate torte
• chocolate lava cake
• those soft "turnover" cookies made by Voortman

This is all over the course of two days, where I'm literally inundated with these tasty treats every time I turn around. There's really only so much a girl can be expected to take. So today, after withstanding temptation all weekend, I found myself at the grocery store, gazing longingly at a tube of cookie dough. It was like time stopped. Me and the cookie dough were all that existed {sigh}. If I was on TV or a movie, there would be cheezy music playing in the background, the clouds would part and rays of sunshine would shine down, and perhaps it would quickly flash to a peaceful meadow scene where I am shown running with open arms to the object of my desire.

I finally shook myself out of my reverie, and hastily made my way to the checkout and out of the store - without the cookie dough :).

Most of the time, I have no problem making the choices that I should be making - ones that bring me closer to my goal, rather than further away. Weekends and days like these, though, serve to remind me that temptation will always be out there, and I need to be ready to handle it. While perhaps I did "handle it" this time, here's hoping that next time I handle temptation with a little more grace, and a little less fantasizing about cookie dough :)

Wallow

I have occasionally been known to wallow. It's self-indulgent and unproductive, but from time to time, nothing appeals to me more.

There are some things I take in stride, and others that I view simply as a challenge for me to conquer, knowing that I will prevail. Sometimes, though, it can be difficult to simply bounce-back from a hitch in your stride. Sometimes all I want to do is wallow and dwell. Negative, I know. It doesn't happen often, and it isn't always anything big. It can simply be that plans for an evening didn't quite go as I'd hoped. Not that they were bad, just not exactly what I wanted, and next thing I know - boom - wallowing.

Today was like that. My wallowing took up a great deal of my time. I knew I needed to bounce-back and get on with things, but I simply couldn't find the motivation.

Here's hoping that a good night's sleep refreshes and resets things. This wallow's been alright, but I'm done with it, for now :)