Looking Back

As I look back over 2012, I reviewed my blog posts over the year... I came across one I made back in February about the areas of my life on my "needs improvement" list. I began "assessing" these aspects of my life to determine what progress I had made. I figure as I move in to 2013, I should take stock of what I accomplished in 2012, and take things from there.

• My health/my weight

This one is a mostly good news story. I lost 50 pounds, but gained back 20 of them. Since I'm down 30 overall, I'll put this one in the plus column. I also learned a lot about my body and about HOW I lose weight. I understand what I need to do - what brings me closer to my goals and what moves me further away from them.

• My job satisfaction

Here's another good news story, although there's not really and "story" to tell, as I haven't really changed anything except my perception of things. I've come to the realization that I have a pretty good deal, here. I get paid fairly for the work that I do. I have the flexibility to work where I want (I often work from home) and when I want (the bosses don't care what day or at what time the work gets done, as long as it gets done correctly and by the deadline). I have the option to work overtime to supplement my income, but I no longer feel pressured into working it, or guilty when i choose not to. I truly feel satisfied with my job.

• My living space

Another item for the plus column. My home, while not always spotless, is now tidy at least as often as it is messy. This is a big change, sad as that may sound. For the last few years, we avoided any "impromptu" visits, feeling embarrassed about the state of disarray that we lived in. This is no longer the case. Even when things are a bit "messy", it's only ever a couple of days' worth of mess, and so it doesn't take long to whip it back into shape. I also now have the willing participation of the rest of the family; while they are not yet in a place where they take the initiative to tidy, they do help out, when asked, with little to no grumbling about it.

• My financial situation

I can't, unfortunately put this one solidly in the plus column - it's currently riding the fence. We are ending the year further in debt than we were when we started. There are several reasons for this, most notably our "Hail Mary" plays in and effort to salvage hubby's business. We can at least say that we did everything we could, though, so it wasn't all for nothing. Despite all that, I will say that I now feel more "in control" of our financial situation than I ever have before. We are spreadsheeted to within in inch of our lives, monitoring all inflows and outflows of money. Bills are paid in full, on time, every single month. We are starting to build a savings account, while also paying down debt. We are using credit cards to make most purchases, immediately transferring the money to cover the transaction, so we get the benefit of the travel miles without falling further into debt. We have mastered living within our means, which is a big win, in my books.

• My family

This is another good news story. It was a year of transformation with our relationships this year, most especially between my husband and myself. Things were torn apart and rebuilt a couple of times, and they're stronger now than they have been for years. I can honestly say that we understand eachother better, and genuinely care for one another. We both want the other person to be happy, and are more focused on ensuring that happiness. We are better at giving eachother what they need, rather than what WE need. Regarding the family unit as a whole, we are in the early stages of working together as a team more often. While we want our kids to be able to simply enjoy being kids, they also need to recognize that having a place in the family comes with responsibility to ensuring the overall success of the family. It involves thinking and acting unselfishly, and with the benefit of the household in mind. While we're not there yet, we're on our way, and I see little glimmers and shining moments that give me hope.

Overall, 2012 was a great year, filled with many improvements. I'm better off than I was at the start of the year. My family is better off than they were at the start of the year. I now have the buy-in from the family, who understand that while change may feel uncomfortable and may involve some work and sacrifices, the results are absolutely worth it.

I haven't actually defined any specific goals for 2013, but I look forward to continuing to improve my life and the lives of my family in whatever ways we can. Looking back over the last year helps me to look forward to the next with confidence that I WILL meet my goals if I continue to work toward them.

Thankful

I know it's Christmas, and not Thanksgiving, but I find myself looking back at the events of the last year and feeling really good about things.

This year, I'm healthier and stronger than I've ever been. I have clear goals and I know what will bring me closer to my goals, and what moves me further away. I know that I CAN be the person I want to be.

I have a good job, that pays me fairly for the work I do. I like the work I do - it offers a good balance of new challenges, while also having a basic routine so I can go on "auto-pilot" for a bit if I want to. I have the opportunity to work as much overtime as I like to boost the paycheque, but I rarely HAVE to work OT. I have the flexibility to work when I want, and where I want, so that I have a work/life balance that suits my family's needs.

I have 2 great kids that I love and who make me proud every day. I've watched them grow up to be these amazing people that I not only love, but actually like. I enjoy spending time hanging out with them - finding out what they think about things. I love that they have their own thoughts and ideas and unique views and interpretations about the world around us.

I have a wonderful husband who appreciates me and genuinely wants to see me happy. He is not afraid to admit when he's wrong, or to ask for help when the need arises. After being together for almost 18 years, we are still as much in love as we were in high school.

Our finances are stabilizing. While we're nowhere near where we ultimately want to be, we know what we need to do to get there, and we're steadfastly moving in that direction. We are working together to move toward our financial goals, and we're feeling less stress about money because we're more in control of it.

I have a great support system of family and friends who only want good things for me and who are always ready and willing to help in any way they can. I know that I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for having them in my life.

Looking back over 2012, I realize how fortunate I am, and I am incredibly thankful for everything good in my life.

Anticipation

I've had a week filled with positive thinking, good vibes, and excitement. Nothing really big has happened, nothing too fabulous, but I found myself feeling uplifted by the smallest things - the little things that make life nice.

One contributing factor to my overall lightheartedness is, I'm sure, the wonderfulness that is November. This particular November, in addition to including my birthday, as usual, also brings with it a number of getaway(s). There have been no vacations or even weekend trips this year, for a number of reasons. Now, however, they seem to be coming back-to-back.

• Last week, our family spent the night at a hotel not too far away, for "Sleep Cheap" - A charity event sponsored by several hotels in the area, where for a small fee, local residents can stay and enjoy their facilities, with all of the proceeds going to a good cause.
• This coming up weekend, hubby is taking me away for a "surprise" getaway, just the two of us. Destination is unknown - I just pack my bags, get in the car, and see where he takes me. He made arrangements for the kids for the weekend, so it's just he and I, with both the time and opportunity to reconnect.
• Immediately following this weekend getaway, the whole family is going away on a vacation. It's an all-inclusive "dude ranch"-type resort, and we're really looking forward to it. The "no electronics - including cell phones" mandate has been communicated to each person in my family, and everyone's on board with this. It's time to reconnect as a family, as well - and this will be the perfect time and place to do it.

So I've had a bit of a "pep-in-my-step" for a couple of weeks, now. Looking for the good, rather than the bad. Trying to focus on the positive and let things go. Trying to prevent myself from getting stressed, but rather, feeling very zen about things.

So far, I've been successful - between a focus on how I WANT things to be, and the anticipation of so many exciting things happening at once, things are really looking up.

Transformation

2012 has been a year of transformation for me. I've transformed by body, my thoughts, my relationships, my behaviours - my life.

This is not to say that I was A, and am now C, so my job is done. More that I was A, then I was B, and am now C, and will continue on my journey in the hopes that I will one day be Z.

I need to zero in on things and focus a bit, though. I've got too many balls in the air - too many areas of my life that I'm working on, to the point where my "self-improvements" have begun resembling something along the lines of "jack of all trades - master of none".

I'm working on several things right now, including, but not limited to:

• My 100 Thing Challenge - for myself, the house, and the whole family
• P.I.N.K. Method Challenge
• Transforming My Marriage, Without Words
• The Secret - Living with Gratitude - The Laws of Attaction
• Recipe Card Cleaning System
• Maintaining a Minimalist Vision During the Holidays
• Living Simply and Frugally

All of these are things that merit my attention - my undivided attention. I felt immediately connected and committed to each of them when they crossed my path, and I believe that staying true to them will allow me to more closely resemble the person I dream of being.

The reality is that I can't do it all at once - I need to prioritize. It's so hard to prioritize between things that you LOVE, though! Which one is less important than the other? Is my emotional well-being more or less important than my physical one? Where to my relationships stand on the priority scale? Some of these involve the participation of others in the family... Does that mean that I should start with ones ONLY requiring me - so I can check them off my list and move on? Or does that mean that I should START with those, since it may take more time to gain their cooperation and implement?

So many questions to ponder and decisions to make as I continue my transformation, and steer my journey into the new year :)

Evolution

Do you have one of those people in your life that just knows how to push your buttons? They know you so well, that they can zero in on them with no trouble at all. The ones that seem to go in looking for a fight - and they get one.

I have someone like that. And do you know what? I often responded in a perfectly predictable manner. The simple fact is that I am who I am, so I will react to certain things in certain ways. So this person would steer things down a certain path, and I would get sucked right into it - hook, line & sinker.

Not tonight.

Tonight I decided to temper my response - and bite my tongue. I didn't put a fake smile on things, don't get me wrong. But when things went to a place that I felt was unacceptable or unproductive, I simply and calmly said so. I drew my line very clearly in the sand.

Interesting reaction from the other party.

I threw things off their game - moved them in a different direction. Basically said, "I'm not going to play this game" and decided not to. It feels scary, breaking pattern like that. As much as the old patterns of behaviour were awful, at least they were predictable. They had ther own ebb and flow, and you knew how it would all turn out. It's the uncertainty that scares us away from making a different choice, responding differently, reacting differently. It's scary as hell to take a road not previously taken... a windy and unknown road that you don't know where it leads to.

I'm going down that road now - I'm evolving, and my relationships are evolving... I'm taking the unknown path and hoping for the best - because hope for better things is what drives us to change and move forward.

Here's to the new evolution! May it take me down a better path than the roads previous taken.

The Ability to Overlook

We live in a time where there is so much to do, and not enough time in which to do it. We get creative with our time management, and look for ways to shave things down. Part of this involves deciding what ball needs to get dropped, or what tasks to let slide for awhile.

A main deciding factor in this? The profile of the task. Is it something that is obvious? Will people notice if it isn't done? If so, can the fact that it isn't done be easily justified? If no one will notice, if it's easy to overlook, this is the sort of thing that can slip by the wayside from time to time.

The reality is that far too often, for most of us, we let things go until we just can't ignore, them anymore. There can be any multitude of reasons why we procrastinate: time, money and effort are the biggies.

Didn't get that "check engine" light on the dash checked out, now the car's making horrible noises and you can't wait any longer... would've been simpler, more convenient, and cheaper to take it to the shop before this point, but hey... human nature, right?

Didn't get the bathroom cleaned when it only needed a quick wipe... now you've got surprise guests and it needs to be scrubbed. Should've done it sooner, but because the mess wasn't staring you in the face, it was ignored, and now it's embarrassing.

Didn't exercise regularly because a look in the mirror told you that you looked okay - you didn't need to work out.... Now your muscles have gone soft, you've gained back a few pounds, and your clothes don't fit the same way. Should've maintained things, but because the reasons for being healthy were no longer staring you in the face, you let yourself go.

The people in my family (myself included) have a remarkable ability to overlook things that we don't want to deal with. We ignore messes as they accumulate, and we're lazy by nature. Unless we absolutely HAVE TO do something, we don't. Unless there's no way for us to avoid something, we'll make every effort to do just that.

This is something I'm becoming more aware of, as time goes by. I'm implementing systems (hey - it's what I do) in an effort to get things on track - to tidy and clean before things look like they have to be cleaned. My theory is that our house will then always look super clean and tidy, all the time. I know, I know, probably wishful thinking, but hey...a girl can dream, right? I need to work on taking away our ability to overlook things. Wish me luck!

Inertia

I know what I need to do. I know why I need to do it. I want to get to the finish line, there's no doubt about that... so why don't I get started?

I need to make some changes. Some things I need to START doing, others I need to STOP doing. I've made some of these changes before, with positive results, but somehow drifted away from them... Some of them, on the other hand, are completely new and unfamiliar to me.

Taking on new challenges and making changes in life can be scary, and a big step, if you intend to commit to it before going in, which is what I do. If I don't intend to finish the race, I don't sign up for it. So before I take that first step, I need to be prepared for it... mentally, physically, and emotionally.

It's back to school time... I time to reinvent oneself, if you're so inclined. It's also a perfect time to develop new routines and new habits, despite what you may have been doing during the previous year, or over the course of the summer.

A body in motion, stays in motion, while a body at rest, stays at rest. So says Newton, anyway. Hoping I get this whole inertia thing taken care of real soon.

What Next?

So... hubby's got a great new job lined up, as does his best friend and colleague from his previous business. Sounds all roses and sunshine, right? Just one little complication that needs to be considered and worked through first.

Transportation.

You see, both guys had driven company vehicles. All good in theory, at the time. Unfortunately, part of dissolving the company involves selling off the assets to cover the liabilities, hence - no more company vehicles. Realistically, though, as that had previously been their primary method of transportation for the last few years, it hadn't made sense to keep other personal vehicles, and pay insurance on it, etc.

How this impacts our current reality, is that he doesn't have a car to take him to his new job, and until he gets a couple of paycheques under his belt, no money to buy a new car. A Catch-22 situation, right?

The good news is that with some of his family vacationing this week, we're borrowing a vehicle that's available, and following that, my family's offered up the use of another vehicle for the following week. Sounds good in theory, but how far can you really take something like that? I mean, you don't want to take advantage of the situation and their generosity, but our dilemma is going to involve some creative transportation solutioning for a few weeks.

So I've been hitting the autotrader and similar sites, looking for something to carry us through. I've found a couple of vehicles with some fabulous potential, but they sound too good to be true, so the cynic in me is waiting for the catch, where they're concerned.

Hubby doesn't want to look at purchasing a car when we don't have any money or income (which sounds completely logical and reasonable) but I think this is truly one of those situations where we're going to have to spend money in order to make money. We'll see how this plays out. I don't know what will happen next... Time will tell.

Sigh

I know that I haven't posted much over the last couple of months. The simple fact is that I had a lot on the go - which isn't to say that I couldn't set aside 10 minutes of my precious time to post on my blog, but rather that I couldn't begin to sort it all out to even think of what to say.

I stopped working out. I had bought the Brazil Butt Lift DVD set, did it a couple of time, found it to be a fantastic workout, then stopped. My initial drop-off in my exercise regime happened when I hurt/broke my toe, and it really hurt to put any weight on it in my workouts. I didn't start back up again when I could have, though, as the weather heated up. We didn't have Air Conditioning and the conditions became unbearable when deliberate sweating was thrown into the mix.

My eating habits haven't been great. I will say, though, that I've become incredibly self-aware where food is concerned. I beginning to better understand what foods impact me in what ways, and even though I haven't lost any additional weight to reach my goal, I know what I need to do to continue to maintain my weight. For lack of a better term, I know how far I can push the limits of nutrition and indulgence, to enjoy some "forbidden" foods without completely derailing my efforts thus far.

Between these two things (the lack of exercise and less than stellar eating habits) I haven't felt very good about myself. I don't feel the pride that I did before. I know what I have to do, in order to get back on track, I just need to make the change, and do it. I'm hoping now that the kids are back to school that our family will start to find our way into some kind of a routine, and that the excercise can be incorporated into that routine.

My closed down his business. He's worked there for probably 10 years before he bought into it, so this was a major change, but a necessary one for a lot of reasons. He's supposed to be starting a new job early next week, though, so that'll be a good thing for everyone. It's a similiar sort of work to what he had done before, but this time he'll be working for someone else. The good side to this is that he doesn't have the responsibility and the headaches that come with being the owner of a business, and he gets a paycheque regardless of when/how much the client pays their bill. The down side to this is that he'll have to get used to answering to someone else, punching a timeclock (so to speak) and having to do thing someon else's way, whether or not he agrees with it. Wishing him lots of luck and hoping that this is the beginning of a great new stage in his life!

I've been feeling... unsettled, I guess would be the best way to describe it. Not quite anxious or stressed, for the most part, although I've had my fair share of both over the last couple of months. No, I guess it's a feeling of... waiting. Like I'm just holding my breath, watchful...waiting. I don't feel rested, and don't feel quite like myself. I wonder how much of this is related to the uncertainty that our family now faces with my husband's career change happening, how much may be because the summer simply flew by in a blur of baseball and soccer for the kids, and how much is because I'm just not taking care of myself and making me a priority.

In any event, these are some of the thoughts swirling through my head, and I don't yet have clarity or answers on any of these things. I don't fully understand my feelings about some of these things, and certainly haven't committed to any course of action to handle them. Perhaps that's why I'm feeling so unsettled... I usually have a clear vision of my path, and what I need to do to stay on it... and for the first time in awhile, I really and truly don't. I haven't made any decisions or plans about anything... I'm floating, waiting for a clearing to appear before me so that I can make a safe landing. Here's hoping I catch sight of one soon! In the meantime, I'll keep on looking and searching...

*Sigh*

Irritable

I was irritable this afternoon.

I know myself well enough to know what my main triggers of stress/anxiety/irritability are...

• disorganization
• derailing of plans
• running late
• having too much to do and not enough time in which to do it
• being out too late running errands with the kids, knowing that they should be in bed
• crowds of people
• being hungry
• general chaos

So today, I found myself back-to-school shopping. That's right. On the Saturday before school starts, I'm just starting to get things together. It wasn't for a lack of planning... I had looked through the flyers, had the list, comparison shopped, etc. Unfortunately, things didn't go according to plan.

There were some great sales in the area on school supplies we needed...unfortunately, most of the sales ended on Thursday, and I didn't get paid until Friday. What does that mean for us, in practical terms? Why was this a problem? Well, the bottom line is that it means I'm paying full price for everything, and it's all well and truly picked over, so we get very little in the way of selection.

Given that there were no good sales around our area, I figured we might try our luck in the states. After all, we made out well doing last-minute shopping at K-Mart last year, so why not give it another try? How about because there's a 53 minute wait at the Peace Bridge, 1hr 24 min at the Queenston-Lewiston Bridge, and a whopping 1 hr 42 min wait at the Rainbow Bridge! Well, I decide that if we were to head there anyway, we'd need to go to the bank first, so we head to the bank, and before changing the currency over, I check again. Now the shortest wait time is 59 minutes, and it's climbing. Change of plans - we're staying local.

We go to 2 stores, gradually crossing things from our list, and ultimately end up at Wal-Mart. The place is packed. There are too many people in the small back to school section, and someone in there reeks of BO. After juggling stacks of paper and locker accessories, Jillian tracks down a cart, and I dump our accumulated supplies in there with relief. But what's this? It doesn't seem to want to turn the corner... I'm struggling with the thing, and I realize that the right front wheel is seized. It's 1pm at this point, and several things on my "trigger" checklist are in play here... I'm hungry, it's crowded, our reality doesn't even remotely resemble my plans, and I'm feeling anxious because not only have I left everything so last minute, but no one has ANY DAMN REINFORCEMENTS!!

So my blood pressure is skyrocketing, and I can clearly visualize myself picking up the cart and throwing it through their front window/door. Not only can I picture this, but at the time, this seems to be to be a completely appropriate manner in which to handle the situation.

Needless to say, I half-wheeled, half-dragged our cart immediately to the checkout, and got the hell out of there, before things got out of control.

Back-to-school *sigh* It's that time of year again.

Planning

I'm a planner. I plan and organize things to death. Doing this satisfies my control-freak tendencies in a way that has minimal impact on others, and can be done discreetly.

I plan trips. Spending countless hours researching locations - everything about them - from temperature and climate info to cultural information and curreny, and everything in between. Once I decide on a location I like, I then switch my focus to accomodations - where should we stay? Independent hotel? Bed and Breakfast? Resort? Chain Hotel? Then there's the room itself... basic room with two smaller beds? Balcony? Mini-suite? Two-bedroom suite? On and on this goes, as I check out the attractions in the area and then determine the best way to get there. All this, and I haven't even considered when we might have the opportunity to go, or if we would even have the money to go. At the end of the day, though, I feel like I'm armed with information - and if/when the planets were to align, and I suddenly found myself with 10 days available and $2200 bucks, I would be able to jump into a car with a solid plan in place to have a fabulous trip at the drop of a hat.

Right - I know - like that's ever gonna happen. But still, I enjoy doing it. For awhile back in high school/college, I actually did co-ops in a couple of travel agencies. I had given some serious consideration to being a travel agent. I truly loved digging into things, pursuing resources to find the best possible deals to meet the criteria outlined for a given trip. The main reason I didn't go down that road was because I determined that the job didn't pay very well unless you owned your own travel agency, and as travel websites were popping up everywhere, the writing on the wall said that the demand for such businesses was decreasing by the day.

I think that trip planning serves a couple of purposes for me. I mentioned keeping my control-freak tendencies at bay, and that's likely a very real thing... but it also satisfies the dreamer in me. I can imagine a trip into existence... thinking about where I would go, and what I would do... by the time the last detail has been decided on, I feel like I've gone on the trip in my fantasy-land, and there's satisfaction in that. The plain and simple fact is that I'm a realist, most of the time.

I'm not going to get to go on all (or even most) of the trips I've planned. I don't get that much time off work, and I don't have that kind of money. In the meantime, though, I plan. I plan getaways and it makes me happy. If I'm really lucky, I get to actually go on one of those trips every once in awhile. And knowing that the people I love would love to go on the trips with me makes me happy, too.

Gotta go now - more planning to do :)

Blessed - Part Four

Okay... so I'm going to bring this series to a close. Before I do, though, there's something on my mind that I need to acknowledge. It may seem arrogant, although I feel that it's simply worth mentioning.

I'm grateful for my strengths. My willpower, my compassion, my reasoning. My capacity to love, my ability to forgive, my willingness to reinvent myself, and to faciliate the same for those I love. I'm blessed that I'm a person who loves so many people, and who is, in turn, loved.

I'm grateful that I am able to dedicate myself to something, and that I have the strength to see things through, regardless of what curveballs life might decide to throw at me. I'm truly blessed to be me - I'm a lucky girl. :)

Blessed - Part Three

I'm blessed to have a solid support system in my life - not everyone has that, and I never take it for granted.

My mom is the backbone of this support system. Now,back around Mother's Day, I recall posting about my mom - how amazing she is. I'll reiterate some of the highlights that make me grateful to have her in my life... Again - these are just some of the reasons - I couldn't possibly list them all, especially as new reasons surface all the time. My mom is the epitome of thoughtfulness. She always thinks about how a choice will impact others, and she factors that in to what she does. My mom recognizes when someone is in need of help, and offers it up whenever she can - before it's asked for. My mom is kind, and caring, and smart. She has so many skills and isn't afraid to try new things. She loves to learn and shares new tidbits of information with the people in her life that she feels might benefit from it. She's organized and prepared for anything and everything. She knows what she wants and what she doesn't want, and she isn't afraid to share her thoughts. She's honest and makes family her number one priority. Oh - and she put up with me throughout my teen years (no easy job, I assure you!). She's everything I could ever want in a mom, and everything my kids could ever want in a grandma.

As much as my job is a source of frustration for me at times, I'm know that I'm blessed to have a relatively well-paying and secure job in these tough economic times. I'm a financial analyst, and while I have a few years of experience under my belt, I don't have any fancy credentials or professional designations. Given this, I have a pretty good deal going where I am. I work through new challenges and problems in my own way, with little or no interference from management. I stretch my problem-solving muscles and challenge myself. I have some flexibility with work, both in hours and location. When I need to work from home, I have that option. If I need to start early or late, or end early or late, I can do that. As long as the work gets done in a timely fashion, I can do what I need to do. This is so important to me, as it means that I can achieve something resembling balance between my work and my personal life. Few people (unless they're self-employed) have that sort of flexibility, and I'm appreciative that I've got these options.

That's all I've got for today. As I work my way through these posts, I realize what a lucky girl I am.  :)

Blessed - Part Two

I've got great colleagues. My fellow finance team members are intelligent, and smart, and funny, and helpful, and I'd be proud to call any one of them a friend.

We've run into some issues over the last year or two with our leadership team, and the fact that they were, well...not really leading things at all - or if they were, certainly not in the right direction. Throughout all of the messes that they caused, though, the girls and I got things done. We plotted and planned, we worked our asses off, we bitched and moaned, we laughed and yelled, we argued and collaborated. We did all of the things that a great team do. There were times when I wanted to say "fuck it" and not meet a deadline, or call in sick, or even quit. What stopped me: the extra work that it would put on these ladies who work every bit as hard as I do, and the fact that they were right there with me. They're the ones who will go for a walk with you when you ask them to, without you needing to ask twice. They're the ones who will brainstorm with you and poke holes in your theories to help you make them better. They're the ones that cover your workload while you take a day off, so that you don't have a mountain waiting for you upon your return. They're the ones who notice when you're having an "off" day, and ask about it - and really listen to the answer - without judgement or disinterest. They're the ones that cheer you on when you take a stand for the right things, and talk you down when you're about to champion the wrong things. They're the best team a person could hope for, and I'm grateful for them, and truly blessed to have them in my life.

I'm grateful for my Dad. My Dad is a superhero in my eyes. This is not to say that he is perfect - every great hero has at least one flaw :) The simple fact is that he is a real man - one who puts his family first and truly does whatever it takes to not only support his family financially, but physically and emotionally, as well. I see how he will change things - both short- and long-term, to accomodate something that my Mom has asked of him. He will do this whether it matters to him or not, because it's not about whether or not it is important to him - what matters is that it's important to her, and he wants her to be happy. He takes care of his mother, and her house, while also being a partner to his wife, and taking care of their own house. He does all of this while working a full-time job that puts more demands and responsibility on him than should normally be expected of someone. He is active in his community and his church, and is always there whenever anyone needs him - offering his help in anyway he can. He does all of this and still manages to look out for his fully grown daughters... making sure we are safe, and happy, and healthy. Coordinating logistics of car repairs, making sure snow tires are put on the care in a timely manner, loaning fully-gassed up vehicles at a moment's notice - just to make life easier for us. He not only takes care of these logistical things, he does so happily. I grew up knowing that when he came in the door, every single day, he would embrace my mom and give her a passionate kiss...it would then be followed by hugs for his girls. This happened without exception. He has shown me what a loving husband and father looks like, and has shown me what's possible in life. I'm so appreciative, every single day, for my Daddy :)

Wow - as I start typing things out, I start thinking of more and more people I need to make sure I add in here... this could become a whole series if I'm not careful :)

Blessed - Part One

I've been thinking the last few days about what I have. So often, I think about what I want, or where I'm going, but I don't always spend a lot of time thinking about what I have, and where I am. I've decided to dedicate this post to recognize some of the things that are at the forefront of my mind. I'm sure that it will by no means even begin to scratch the surface of everything that I'm blessed with, but it'll be a start.

My family has been blessed with great health. I acknowledged this over the last week when my daughter was bit by a dog, and we were trying to determine if we would  be able to win the battle of infection by ourselves, or if we would need to see a doctor and get antibiotics to tip the scales in our favour. No medical intervention was required (yay for my first-aid skills!), and I was VERY relieved about this, as I discovered that my kids' health cards expired in 2006. Yes - that's right - I said 2006. As in, six years ago. They quite simply haven't been sick or needed a doctor in the last six years, so it hasn't been an issue. And, since I grew up in the days of the red-and-white cards which didn't expire, I don't think to look at them to check for expiry, they way I would with my driver's license. Realizing this, I felt an overwhelming wave of gratitude and appreciation for our health - we've truly been lucky and blessed.

I've been blessed with wonderful children. I don't post about my kids a lot - but as any mother knows, there are few moments that go by that they aren't on our mind, in one way or another.

My son is growing up so fast - he just turned twelve. I rarely worry about him, because I've seen the great judgement that he demonstrates on a daily basis. As he's being given more freedom to explore the world and develop a social life, he will often check in or give updates - not because he's been asked to, but because he understands that if we're not waiting or worrying, then we'll be happier, and less stressed. He demonstrates thoughtfulness and so many shining moments that make me so proud of the man that I see him becoming. He had a sleepover recently in a hotel with a friend just after the school year ended, and they spent some time in an arcade. When he finally cashed in all his tickets, he was looking what he could get as a souvenier to bring back to his girlfriend. His friend bugged him a bit about that, as guys will do, but he redeemed them for a Twilight Book Bracelet (which seems to be just a fancy bookmark that wraps around the whole cover of the book) as she's a fan of the Twilight series. When he talked with me about it afterwards, he told me that first of all, the kind of thinking that his friend demonstrated is just another reason why he's still single (LMAO), and that secondly, he was thinking of her, and wanted to be able to give her something to show her that. He's got moves, that kid, and any girl will be lucky to have him (I know... I may  be biased, but still).

My daughter is confidence, personified. She does what she wants to do, wears what she wants to wear, and while she may care what other people think, she rarely lets that influence her decisions. This is something that I can already appreciate, as I see her standing up for what she believes and not being influenced negatively by her peers. It also means, however, that I am rarely able to sway her position on things. When what she wants and what I want happen to coincide? The sky's the limit. When they don't? It's a battle of wills that can go on for hours, days, or in the case of some long-standing differences of opinion...years. I remember a time when she was about...hmmm... somewhere between 18 months and 3 years, I suppose. She hit me, and I was unwilling to move on until she apologized. I sat her down on her bedroom floor, and sat across from her. She did not feel the need to apologize for what she'd done. So we sat there, staring at eachother, for two hours (yes, she and I are both that stubborn) at which point she slumped over, having fallen asleep while sitting upright. Oddly enough...even then, I felt proud of her for taking her stand for what she felt was right.

I think that's enough for one night. There's more that I am blessed with...my work, my colleagues, my family, my husband, my home...blah, blah, blah. I'm sure that when i'm all done it'll just seem like bragging, so if you don't want to hear it, just skip over the next couple of posts :)

Burnout

I've recently found myself thinking about trips, vacations, and getaways - a LOT.

Today, during a conversation with my insightful husband, I realized the problem: I'm burned out. Between home and work, I've been dealing with a lot of challenges and responsibilities, all of which seem to land on my shoulders. There's been a lot of tension, stress, frustration, resentment...and there's really been no end in sight. I wish I could say that I'm seeing an end in sight now, or that I've already reached the light at the end of my tunnel. The reality is, though, that this is the way it is for now.

I'm looking for ways to escape this reality - that's what my vacation fantasies are really all about. I need a break - I need to get away from it all and remember what it feels like to not be wound up so tightly - to feel something pleasant and resembling relaxation.

So instead of trying to plan a weekend or week-long trip when there's no way I can fit it into everyone's busy schedules, I'm going to focus on what I really need to do - give myself a break.

At hubby's suggestion (I know, right?!?) I'm going to plan a spa day. Nothing too crazy or expensive, and not too far away, but just a little retreat where I can focus on nothing but relaxing and being pampered for a few hours. Where the most stressful thing will be deciding what color to polish my toes, or deciding what flavor tea to drink.

I need to refresh and recharge to get out of the danger zone that my current situation has me in. I need to take a break away from reality to prevent any further burnout, and who knows? Maybe even begin to repair some of the damage that the last couple of months have done to me.

To Cruise, or Not to Cruise...

...that is the question.

Our family has begun a nice tradition over the last couple of years. The week before Christmas, there's an all-inclusive ranch resort in New York state that offers great rates. The last 2 holiday seasons, our family has taken advantage of the cost savings and spent a few days at this wonderful, family-oriented place where we can ski, swim, horseback ride, rock climb, have nerf wars, and so much more! We've loved both trips and had planned to make a tradition of it, continuing on this coming up holiday season.

This works nicely with my goals of minimizing the "stuff" in our house. The simple fact is, there's really not much that we need. So we'd rather spend money making memories and enjoying some time away together, rather than buying "stuff". That's not to say that we each don't walk away from the holidays with one or two thoughtful gifts - just that it's not the all-out presents extravaganza that it might have otherwise been.

Here's my dilemma... I've never been anywhere tropical before. The furthest south I've ever been is Florida. I'd love to go on a trip someplace warm, but we can't afford to do both a tropical vacation and the ranch resort.

All-inclusive vacations at tropical destinations sound lovely, but when you're paying for 4 people, they are not affordable. There are some cruise lines that offer "kids sail free" as a standard policy. This opens up lots of options that I would never have considered before. I could see Mexico, Jamaica & St Maarten, all in the same trip!

My husband is slightly claustrophobic, which can present challenges in a cruise-cabin environment. This means that a balcony room is the only way to make this possible, but the promotional offer of balcony room upgrades, combined with a standard "kids sail free" policy, means that a family of 4 can go on a week-long cruise for only a little over $2000, taxes included.

This is tempting...very tempting... but the more I pursue this as an option, the more I feel like I'm casting aside a tradition that I was creating. Then I think, maybe it's the family trip itself that it's the traditon, rather than the location itself... then I think I'm just trying to justify things because the palm trees and warm sands are beckoning me.

I know that these are nice problems to have and decisions to have to make - there are no bad options here. The fact that "to cruise, or not to cruise" is the biggest question on my mind speaks to the fact that my life's in a pretty good place right now.

When it Rains...

Things are busy right now... too busy.

They're busy at work... too much work to do, with not enough hours in the day in which to do it. Too few days in the week to accomplish both the tasks at hand, and the attend the meetings that are requested of me.

They're busy at home... we were looking at planning a family weekend getaway, and as we went through each weekend, we discovered that there was something that someone was committed to - every single weekend. We were basically left with Labour Day weekend, and quite frankly, I'm not willing to wait that long.

So we're left with week days...and July's too busy...so once we plan around the kids summer camp early August, my trip to New Jersey mid-August, and Greg's trip to Ohio (August as well), we're left with about three 3-day stretches from which to choose. Sigh... so much for a relaxing summer...

This all makes me feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I feel like life's getting out of control, and our priorities are way out of whack - both at work and at home. At work, we need to figure out where my time should be spent - what is most important - and prioritize things accordingly. At home, family is what should be coming first... so why is it that it's so hard to find a few days to spend together? I need to figure out what needs to be cut out of the equation, and convince the people impacted to get on board with eliminating some things.

So, it seems like when it rains, it pours - too much is going on, all at once. I wanna get off this ride - I'm feeling dizzy and a little bit ill... want to get back to basics and get things to stop spinning - just for a little while.

Paranoid

So... I have these recurring thoughts and I finally decided to put them down here (especially after I shared them with someone else and they didn't treat me like a headcase). It all roots back to body image and insecurity.

As part of the PINK program, I weigh myself daily. Some may say that it's excessive... that is possibly the case, however I find that doing so really cements the relationship between my choices and my resulting weight - a direct "cause-and-effect" that's a real eye-opener.

While I'm a lot more aware of how my choices impact my body, I'm still remarkably oblivious when it comes to my body image. Half the time I weigh myself, I expect to be at least 10 lbs heavier than I actually am. I haven't been diligent with exercise over the last couple of weeks, and I find myself checking out my arms a few times a week, expecting to see the definition gone, replaced instead by flab & loose skin.

I started giving this paranoia some serious consideration the other day, and I finally realized why I think this way: I didn't see the weight gain coming the first time. By the time I started giving some serious consideration to my body and my weight, I was already 50 lbs overweight. So... if it happened before, it could happen again. I believe that if I'm not diligent and hyper-aware and watching things closely, I'll wake up heavy again.

Hopefully this paranoia will give way to self-awareness... in the meantime, I'll keep on keeping on, as I move towards my goal (which is 7 lbs away!).

At Odds with Myself

I try to be true to myself. I try to listen to my gut and follow my instincts. I try not to do something just because I should do it, or because of what other people might think - it needs to feel right and true to me.

At work, I'm being faced with multiple and conflicting deadlines. There are only so many hours in the day, and I do everything I can to maximize every minute I'm at work. During the day on Friday, I became resigned to the fact that I was not going to be able to meet the deadline of Friday, June 15th by completing my work during regular business hours. I would have to work all weekend to be able to do it all.

Enter my dilemma, and the feeling of being at odds with myself. My gut says: do what you have to do - just get it done. It tells me that I should be the shiny star that makes the magic happen, against all odds. I should be the miracle worker that managed to get it done, despite all the obstacles. I want a reputation for being that person.

Here's the reality, though... Time and time again, our team pulls out all the stops and gets the job done. I've worked 80 hour work weeks, on an ongoing basis for 2 whole months before finally drawing my line in the sand and scaling back to 60 hour work weeks. Nothing changes. The poor planning and lack of advocation on the part of our leadership team continues to put us in these situations, and our team repeatedly pulls us out of them.

So I had a decision to make... Sacrifice my weekend with my family and put in some time to increase my odds of meeting the deadline of the 15th, or enjoy my family time, work as productively as possible during working hours, and allow the leadership team accountability for their own choices.

I enjoyed my weekend immensely, and while I felt some guilt upon my return to work today, I feel that I made the right decision. I can't always be the miracle worker at work, but I can (and should) be the one to "make the magic happen" for my kids. I'm getting my priorities straight, and moving in the right direction. So while right now I feel at odds with myself, I think I'm growing as a person, and it feels pretty darn good :)

Bingeing

So...it was inevitable. After close to 4 months of following the PINK plan to a "T", I cracked. It wasn't a little crack, or a little cheat, it was binge eating - for a day and a half.

I paid the price for it - in how I felt, and in a direct and undeniable impact on the scale. I'm still in the 140s, but not as close to the low end of that range as I'd like to be, and not as close to the middle as I was.

I could see it coming for the last week or two. I hadn't been working out as diligently, either not pushing myself or skipping it altogether. I had been thinking a lot about small treats, and while I hadn't succumbed to temptation yet, I found myself justifying things in my mind.

My stomach is making gurgling noises that have nothing to do with being hungry and everything to do with not being able to digest what it's now having to deal with.

All things considered, it was probably a good thing. I found my motivation again, since I now have to "undo" all the damage I did. And I'm not craving these foods anymore, since 2 days later, they're still sitting in a pit in my stomach, and I feel very blah.

I also got the Brazil Butt Lift DVDs, in an effort to do a new and challenging  workout that I'm not bored with (yet). So between my new inspiration for both exercise and food, I believe that I'm back on track, with my bingeing weekend solidly behind me. :)

Where Have You Gone?

Oh, motivation.... where are you? Where have you gone?

I now understand why everyone says the last 10 lbs are the hardest - it's not because you work just as hard but the weight just won't come off, it's because you stop working hard.

Let's face it: for most of us, motivation to lose weight comes from the fact that we don't like what we see in the mirror. When you're within 10 lbs of your goal, though, those "problem areas" aren't as obvious anymore. They're still there, don't get me wrong - it's just a lot easier to ignore them or at least look past them, when you're so close to your goal.

You would think that the promise of a fabulous wardrobe once I reach my goal would be enough to keep things on track. The simple fact is, though, that I might need to break things down into smaller chunks to get myself moving in the right direction. Lose 3 more lbs and get a pedicure... get to within 5 lbs of my goal and get a massage... that kind of thing. I've gotta do something, because seeing the finish line in the distance seems so close, but at the same time, so far away.

And so I dig deeper to find some motivation - whatever works at this point to get me through this last leg of my journey.

Optimism and Pessimism

Last couple of days have been... well... interesting.

Work's going really well. We have a new leader on our team who, from what I can tell after a couple of days, is exactly what we need. The team spirits are up, and we all seem to be feeling something that we haven't dared to in over a year: hope.

I'm optimistic right now when it comes to the direction in which the team will be headed, and looking forward to some positive changes with this new team member at the helm.

My family life has been going well - things are good with my husband and kids... everyone's getting along, we're heading in the right direction, all together. We recently made the decision to move forward with some much-needed home improvements, and while my gut reaction has me shying away from incurring any additional debt, I've come to the realization that we aren't going to be able to save up for it - financing's going to be our only option. After movsing past my initial anxiety about this, I've actually discovered that I'm looking forward to the results, and I've made my peace with the financial sacrifice that will need to happen to get there.

My progress on my personal goals, however, has been less than stellar. I have hit a plateau in my weight loss journey. Normally, you would kick up the intensity to push past something like that - at least that's the first place to start - but I can't seem to find the motivation to do it. I haven't worked out the way that I should for the last couple of days, and yet I know that slacking off is definitely NOT the way to get where I want to be.

I'm happy with the results that I've been getting. I'm happy with the way I've transformed my body. I'm frustrated, though, with my current lack of progress, and I feel pessimistic about my ability to get to my ultimate goal, which is 11 lbs away. This is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy which is likely my only obstacle between where I'm at now, and where I want to be,

So, yeah... feeling both optimistic and pessimistic, hopeful and anxious, excited and nervous. An interesting few days, riding along on this emotional roller-coaster. Here's hoping the ride's done soon, or at least that things level off for just a couple of days :)

Another Break-Up Letter

Dear 150s,

We didn't spend much time together, I know. I remember when we first met, more than 10 years ago. I took you for granted at the time. Truth be told, when we were together back then, I often compared you to the 140s and found you wanting. And yet when I left you for the 160s, it wasn't trading up - quite the contrary.

When we were recently reintroduced through the PINK method, I was on the rebound from the 160s, yet again. While I'd like to say that it's been the 160s all this time, that simply isn't true. Things were so much worse than that. Having said that, I've turned my life around now, and am setting my sights higher.

The time we've spent reconnecting together have filled me with happiness. When I was with you, I found my old self again. I liked what I saw and so did the people around me.

While it means so much to me that you took me back when I had never appreciated you, I do feel that I need to be honest. My heart still belongs to the 130s. It always has, and always will be. It's not good or right for me to be with you, knowing that I should be somewhere else.

So I've moved on. I'm with the 140s now, and we have an understanding, knowing that I intend to be with the 130s very soon. I hope that one day soon the 130s will take me back, even though I took them for granted so many years ago. I promise that I will never do that again.

Thank you for the happiness you've given me the last few weeks, fleeting as it was. I will remember that you were there for me at a time when I needed you, but understand that I don't need you anymore.

Round Two

So... I finished round one of the PINK program. I did the reset, as well as phases 1, 2 & 3. When I was done with all of that, I found that while I had completely transformed myself (both inside and outside), I hadn't quite reached my goal.
The PINK progam provides a few suggestions, but the one that seemed to make the most sense for me was to start back at the beginning, and work my way through again.

So, today was day 3 of phase 1, which I'm tackling for the second time, this time with fewer modifications and heavier weights than the first time I went through it. My sister's been joining me with the exercise aspect of things, which provides us the opportunity to both improve our health and spend some time together. She isn't doing the nutrition side of things though, so it'll be interesting to see what exercise by itself can do.

So... here I go again! This time with the confidence and knowledge that what I am doing WILL produce results, and that I will get to where I want to be if I stick to it (Round One involved hard work, yes, but it was accompanied by blind faith and a "fingers crossed" sort of hopefullness). So with that in mind, let Round Two begin!

Lessons I've Learned

My mother is a wonderful person, and when gift-giving occasions arise, she'd like to receive the perfect card and spend time with loved ones, rather than get a million presents. Knowing this, I recently found myself making my way through the card section, on the hunt for the perfect Mother's Day card for my Mom.

I needed to find a card that expressed a heartfelt sentiment - one where every single word and phrase echoes a sentiment that is true for my Mom. While this is normally so simple feat, I actually narrowed it down to 2 cards that I really liked, then ultimately set them both aside when I finally found the perfect card.

I realized that all of the cards I was drawn to this year (it's different every year) held a similar theme - they all seemed to be about what we learned from our mother. This made me reflect on some of the life lessons I learned from my Mom. Some are things that I learned from her example, and some are things that I decided I would do differently, Because of this, some of the lessons you see may seem to contradict themselves. They're often 2 sides of the same coin. I learned a lot from my mother. She continues to be one of the strongest and kindest people I know. Certainly THE most thoughtful person I know.

• My mother taught me that kindness matters. That it is ALWAYS worth the time and effort it takes to show someone that you care. It doesn't matter if it will be recognized or appreciated. The simple act of kindness and knowing that you're doing a good thing is enough.

• My mother taught me that you need to stand up for yourself, and ensure that you are treated in the way that you deserve to be. That if you are unhappy with the way you are being treated, you need to step up and SAY something, and if that doesn't work, you need to DO something about it. Allowing it to continue is not a healthy option.

• My mother taught me to think of what everyone needs, and to try to find ways to meet those needs. Whether planning a meal or a vacation, thinking about the needs and wants of each person in the family is important for success.

• My mother taught me to make myself a priority. That it's not only okay for me to speak up and say what I want/need, but that it's important that I do so. That if all you do is give so much of yourself every day and don't make sure your own needs are taken care of, that soon you will have nothing left for anyone.

• My mother taught me to be unafraid. Change can be scary, but continuing on with something that isn't working and NOT changing, is even worse. Being able to recognize when something needs to change and having the courage to make it happen is brave, and amazing, and inspiring.

• My mother taught me that good is the enemy of great. Not in so many words - those words are generic corporate lingo learned years later - but the sentiment is the same. If you simply accept something that is good, you'll never strive to achieve something great, and therefore never maximize potential.

• My mother taught me to always try my best. There's no excuse for mediocre work - it's laziness, plain and simple, which is NOT acceptable. If you aren't going to do your best work, you're wasting everyone's time.

• My mother taught me that a clean house is important for a healthy family, but a tidy house if often more about appearances to others. As long as we know where everything is and our space works for us, that's all that matters. Would I like things to be neat and tidy? Yes. Is it something I am willing to stress out about or sacrifice precious family time for? No.

• My mother taught me that it's important to share what's in your head and your heart - both the good and the bad, but that the when, where & how you share is even more important.

There are so many things that my mother taught me, I couldn't possibly list them all. But today, on Mother's Day, I'm thinking about all the lessons I learned from my Mother, that have helped me to be the person I am today.

Relaxation

As much as I've often been a lazy person, I've always struggled with the ability to relax. I'm constantly thinking about things, planning things, and yes, occasionally worrying or stressing over things.

I took 3 days off this week. My mom (who is a godsend and watches my kids after school, most days) was playing tour guide-slash-hostess to company from overseas, so I took the time off so my kids would be a non-issue for her during their stay.

While the first day got filled up with "stuff" (not bad stuff, just things to do), yesterday and today held no demands on my time while the kids were in school. I did some very minor tidying, but for the most part, I tried very hard to relax. As I'm also on the "reset" phase of my health program, I also had no workouts to do. I caught up on some shows I enjoy that I hadn't had time to watch recently, cooked myself delicious and healthy lunches, and had some "me time".

It felt awkward and made me feel oddly guilty, like I was doing something wrong, or something I should apologize for. I don't think it's something that I could do all the time... I'd feel useless and unproductive. I will say, though, that on day 2 of my attempt at true relaxation, I'm feeling less awkward with it - like I'm finding my stride. I kinda wish I had another day or two to really practice more with this relaxation thing :)

Milestones

A number of people I work with are currently focused on health and wellness. I can't speak for them, but for me, when I say that, I'm referring to reducing my overall circumference.

Something that has come up during these group conversations is "celebrating" milestones. At the 5lb, 10lb, 20lb, or whatever that might be. It might be a pedicure, or a facial, or a pair of shoes. It might be something as simple as a quiet night with a good book and a bubble bath.

Beyond these mini-rewards, we do, of course, have our BIG reward at the end (not just the great bodies we wanted, but something more to look forward to). For some it's a vacation, for me, it's a whole new wardrobe full of fabulous, flattering clothes.

Today, I hit what I would consider a milestone. Having been on this journey for just a few days past the 3-month mark, I've now lost 40lbs. While it's unfortunate that I allowed myself to reach the point where I had so much excess body weight to lose, I think I will appreciate my new body more, having worked so hard to achieve it. My journey's not done yet, but I look and feel better than I can remember in the last 15 years, and I'm proud of myself for having reached this milestone.

Temptation

Temptation is something that's always there - always will be. We can give in to it or overcome it, but it's there, and isn't always easy to ignore.

I've been working my way along my wellness journey for just over 3 months now. Most days are easy - the simple fact is that the healthy habits have become just that - habit. The thought of eating unhealthy foods usually doesn't even cross my mind just because it simply isn't an option for me, and hasn't been for quite some time now. This is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because I don't have to "overcome" things or struggle with them or feel deprived, because it isn't even a thought or consideration for me. It's a curse because when those thoughts do come to me... when I'm unable to ignore things and I'm truly tempted, I feel ill-equipped to handle it.

This weekend was like that...  It seemed that every where I turned, there were delicious temptations available to me. Now, anyone that knows me, knows that I have a sweet tooth - and that the term "sweet tooth" is a major understatement as it applies to me. Chocolate, in particular, has a special place in my heart.

So I encounter:

• chocolate easter bunnies (the 1-lb, solid variety, which would be delightful dipped in peanut butter...mmmmm)
• chewy/gooey cookies containing both chocolate chips and mini peanut-butter cups
• nanaimo bars
• boston cream pie (which seems more like a cake than a pie, but whatever...)
• those peanut butter balls that have rice crispies in them and are covered with chocolate
• chocolate covered strawberries
• butter tart squares
• date squares
• cheesecake
• chocolate torte
• chocolate lava cake
• those soft "turnover" cookies made by Voortman

This is all over the course of two days, where I'm literally inundated with these tasty treats every time I turn around. There's really only so much a girl can be expected to take. So today, after withstanding temptation all weekend, I found myself at the grocery store, gazing longingly at a tube of cookie dough. It was like time stopped. Me and the cookie dough were all that existed {sigh}. If I was on TV or a movie, there would be cheezy music playing in the background, the clouds would part and rays of sunshine would shine down, and perhaps it would quickly flash to a peaceful meadow scene where I am shown running with open arms to the object of my desire.

I finally shook myself out of my reverie, and hastily made my way to the checkout and out of the store - without the cookie dough :).

Most of the time, I have no problem making the choices that I should be making - ones that bring me closer to my goal, rather than further away. Weekends and days like these, though, serve to remind me that temptation will always be out there, and I need to be ready to handle it. While perhaps I did "handle it" this time, here's hoping that next time I handle temptation with a little more grace, and a little less fantasizing about cookie dough :)

Wallow

I have occasionally been known to wallow. It's self-indulgent and unproductive, but from time to time, nothing appeals to me more.

There are some things I take in stride, and others that I view simply as a challenge for me to conquer, knowing that I will prevail. Sometimes, though, it can be difficult to simply bounce-back from a hitch in your stride. Sometimes all I want to do is wallow and dwell. Negative, I know. It doesn't happen often, and it isn't always anything big. It can simply be that plans for an evening didn't quite go as I'd hoped. Not that they were bad, just not exactly what I wanted, and next thing I know - boom - wallowing.

Today was like that. My wallowing took up a great deal of my time. I knew I needed to bounce-back and get on with things, but I simply couldn't find the motivation.

Here's hoping that a good night's sleep refreshes and resets things. This wallow's been alright, but I'm done with it, for now :)

Strong

It's been a month since I last posted. If it weren't for my friend pointing out the fact that I've been neglecting my blog, I might've missed the month of April altogether.

I feel confident. The confidence I have in myself is something I can't remember having before  - ever. I feel good about the changes that I'm making. I know what I want and what I don't want. I have a clear vision about the path I'm on to get me to where I want to be.

I've always felt insecure, and inferior to those around me. I've always felt intimidated by people who were confident, and for some reason, valued myself as being "less than" most other people. I guess I figured that they seemed to know what they were all about. Not me - I might have had an idea, or a thought, but I never had the confidence to truly know - so I would simply fall in line with others - because if they know the answers so well, and they know what to do, then who am I to say otherwise?

What started off with my weight loss journey has transformed not only my body, but my entire life. I have found my voice. I sometimes have to watch myself to prevent me from going to the other extreme, where my confidence wants to creep into arrogance. I am challenging people, and speaking up when I don't agree. I care less about what others think of me, because I have a better opinion of myself. I used to think so little of myself that I needed the validation from others to make me feel like I was okay, or of value. I don't need that anymore. I'm finding out who I am, and being proud of who I am. I don't hide it, and I don't apologize for it. People may like me or they might not - It doesn't matter. That may seem like a small thing for anyone reading this, but to me, it's completely liberating. It means I'm no longer living my life for someone else - I'm doing it for me, and doing it the way I want to.

My family and friends have been amazingly supportive, throughout my entire journey (which is not yet done - I'm 60% of the way toward achieving my goal). I think I initially took this for granted, but I now see how not everyone has this. I see how sometimes, when someone is trying to better themselves, even the people they are closest to may become "naysayers" and try to drag them back down. I understand the others' motivations - fear, guilt, and several others in between, but even while I understand it, it still makes me sad.

I'm a stronger person than I was 3 months ago. Strong both physically and emotionally. I like who I am, and who I'm on my way to becoming. Fingers crossed that I continue to have the strength to finish my journey and reach my goals.

Exhausted

So... I haven't posted in about three weeks. I've been working at another office, a couple of hours away from home. Some times I commute, some times I stay in a hotel up there.

At the end of the day, no matter how I slice it, it means long days. If I'm travelling, there's the drive time to and/or from the office, and if I'm staying there, I feel like I should make the most of my time up there, and put in longer days.

For the last week and a half or so, I've been staying up there. Since I can't go home to my family and enjoy time with them, why not put in the extra hours, get more done on the project I'm working on, and get some OT ($) while I'm at it?

Tonight I discovered one reason why I shouldn't do this... I'm exhausted.

As you're aware, I'm doing this "PINK Method" fitness/wellness program. It involves both nutrition and exercise. I've actually been really good with planning ahead for lunches and dinners. I cook food up ahead of time, pack it on ice to bring up here - all to make sure that I have healthy and nutritious food available to me, and so that I don't fall into the trap of simply grabbing whatever's available, or going out for lunch like everyone else up here seems to do. Nope - I pack my lunches, and when I run out of something, I go to the grocery store. My hotel room's got a kitchen so I can store, prepare, and cook my food the way I want it. More economical and more healthy, so I'm on track there.

Exercise is something else altogether, though. I'd love to say that I'm the kind of person that gets up at 5:30 to exercise, then showers and is ready to start my day around the time everyone else is just waking up... but that's simply not the case. While I will say that since beginning this program mornings are definitely easier, I still like my sleep too much. Nope - I work out at the end of my work day. Not always easy under the best of circumstances (after a normal 8 or 9 hour work day), but when I'm working 10 and 11 hour work days, it's incredibly difficult to stay motivated. I still do the workout that's scheduled, though - because travelling or not, I need to make changes in my life. And if they're going to be forever lifestyle changes, they need to be something I can implement regardless of where I am.

For the first time tonight, I didn't do the workout I set out to do. I was supposed to do two half-hour DVDs. I bailed after the end of the first one. Did I give it my all during the first one? Absolutely. Could I have gone further? I'll never know the answer to that, because I didn't even try. I think that's what's getting me down the most - not only did I let myself down, but I didn't even try to avoid it. I was just plain tired.

I need to give myself a kick in the ass, and then put this all behind me - start fresh tomorrow with a brand new outlook, prepared to get back on track with my plan. Right now, though, I'm just too exhausted. I guess I'll have to kick my ass and put this behind me in the morning ;)

Commitment - Part 2

Alright... I have a LOT to say about this subject.

• I believe that a person's willingness to commit to something says something about them. 
• I believe that what a person chooses to commit themselves to, says something about them. 
• I believe that the degree to which a person fulfills their commitments says something about them.

At the end of the day, does this mean that I'm judging people based on their commitment to to things? Yes. Am I proud of that? No - but it's the truth. I also think that there are worse things that I could judge people for, so I don't feel too badly about this.

So... having said all that... here's what that means to me:

• When I find myself saying "we'll see" or "maybe" - that's me avoiding commitment. I need to get better at recognizing this for what it is. Is it that I want to say no? If so, I need to just say it, and explain why. Is it that I want to say yes but I'm just feeling lazy or am daunted by the idea of committing to it? If so, I need to be real with myself and my feelings, and just man up and commit to it if that's the right thing to do.

• I need to take stock at what I have committed myself to. Are there things that I've done for awhile, because they seemed like a good idea at the time, but that's no longer the case? Am I committing myself to things that are helping me to achieve my goals, or things that are preventing me from achieving them? Have I avoided committing to something that is worthy of my time and attention, but I haven't been able or willing to take them on due to other demands on my time? Time to re-evaluate and have some honest conversations.

• I always make every effort to follow through on my commitments. If I say that I'll do something, you can believe that I will do it. If I say that I'll stop by a store to pick something up while I'm out, I'll do it. If I think that there's a chance that the store may be closed when I'm done whatever I'm doing, I'll plan ahead and stop there first. This is because I wouldn't want to risk not following through with a commitment I've made. There are rare occasions when unavoidable things get in our way, and prevent us from following through with commitments we've made. It's what we do when this happens that says something about a person. That's what I mean when I say the degree to which a person fulfills their commitment.

When an obstacle presents itself, do you use it as an excuse to not keep your word? A way to explain and provide "reasons" why you didn't follow through as you said you would? Or do you push past it, get creative, and exhaust every possible alternative to help you to reach your goal? If the store is closed, do you drive around to other stores? How many? How much time and effort are you willing to put into keeping a commitment?

What is it worth, to be a person who can be counted on? A person whose word can be trusted? To me, it's worth everything. So...when I make a commitment, you can be sure that I will do everything I can to meet it. If I say I'll do something, I'll do it. If I say I'll be somewhere, I'll be there. When I see others not meeting their commitments, right or wrong, I am making an assessment of their values. I'm determining the degree to which I can trust them.

Commitments come in all shapes and sizes. It's each time you say you'll do something, and each time you say that you won't do something. It's each promise you make, and each casual agreement you make. It's the forever stuff, and it's the next week stuff. It's not rocket science... it's just following through; keeping your word; doing what you said you'd do.

Commitment - Part 1

Commitment has always been a critical factor with me. For me, it has always made the difference between what I would consider "success" and "failure". Everyone's personal definitions of these terms will vary, and I will likely get into what those terms mean to me at some point in the future, but for the time being, we'll break it down to simply mean that success is when I'm happy with something, and failure will refer to when I'm not.

Do I want a "successful" relationship? I need to be 100% committed to it, in order for that to happen. Do I want to be successful in my quest to overhaul certain aspects of my life? Again, full commitment is necessary.

The absence of a full commitment can, on occasion, be debilitating, however, or certainly prevent growth and forward movement. This is likely because I believe that if I'm not 100% committed to something, I will fail at it. I'm not a "dabbler". I tend not to just "try" things to see if I'm interested or if I like it.

I will often not even begin something, because if I know I'm not 100% committed to it, for the long haul, then if an obstacle presents itself, I will give up. Since it's unacceptable [to me] for me to be a "quitter," I don't bother with starting something unless I'm committed to it, or I would potentially be setting myself up for this end. And so it goes with me.

This is probably one of the reasons why I tend to research things to death. I want to develop and grow and change. I want to expand my horizons and "try" new things. Since I struggle with an inability to "try" new things and simply walk away, though, I learn as much as I can about something, to help me determine if I'm willing to commit to it.

Having said all that, once I commit to something, I'm unshakable, unflappable, and unwavering. I have already determined that I'm in it for the long haul, and that committing to it is worthwhile and good and right for me.

This is true for me in virtually all aspects of my life. It's also another reason why I'm struggling with issues like spirituality and life purpose. I'm not yet committed  to any particular path. I'm exploring, but I also believe that I'm approaching the point where I may need to "dabble" and "try" things out. This is way out of my comfort zone, but I feel like these choices are too important to make until I know that they're right for me. There's only so much research you can do before just "getting out there". And so I'm preparing to venture out into the world, to learn new things and [hopefully] find something worth committing to.

XOXO

Kisses and Hugs. We all know that they communicate to the people we care about - they can communicate passion, affection, caring, sorrow, support, love, and so many other things. They can be a way to show people how we feel, in addition to telling them.

Science has proven the benefits of hugs - physical, mental, and emotional benefits. Hugs increase levels of oxytocin and reduce blood pressure. Oxytocin triggers a "caring" or "bonding" response in both men and women, making them feel closer and more connected. When a person is hugged, their comfort level is increased, and it creates a feeling of security and trust between the people hugging.
On a side note, studies also indicate that when a hug lasts six seconds or longer, the release of oxytocin multiplies exponentially. Basically, when it becomes more than a hug - an embrace, I guess you'd call it. This is six seconds of true hugging, though. You know the kind I mean - when you don't get the feeling that the other person is thinking of pulling away, or is just there "putting time in", but is truly absorbed in the moment, like they never want to let go - that's where the magic happens.

Sometimes, in our day-to-day lives, as we hustle and bustle along, we forget about the importance and significance of kisses and hugs. While we give kisses hello, good-bye, and good-night at our house, I will admit that they are often cursory, at best. More like a gesture or a habit, than anything else.

Several sources suggest that everyone needs at least four hugs a day for healthy survival, eight hugs a day for emotional strength, and 12 hugs a day to really grow and be empowered. Stop and think about just how often you give or get a hug.

These thoughts make me realise that I have been taking my family for granted. The fact that I have these people here - willing participants for hugging and kissing; and the communication of so much love and caring, but I simply forget to do it. I think about all of the people out there in the world who don't have people in their lives every day to hug or kiss them, and I feel sad for them - and also ashamed with myself for taking these daily opportunities for granted.

XOXO

Purpose

As I continue on with my life overhaul, I have been reading various things about happiness, living consciously, and feeling fulfilled. These are goals that I have - I suppose, whether articulated and acted upon or not, they're likely goals that everyone has.

One thing that I notice keeps cropping up, is the recommendation to find your purpose. On the surface, this sounds a lot like "why am I here?" and if philosophers haven't given us a clear-cut answer to that by now, I'm not likely to find it. Perhaps it's not as complicated as all that, though.

The more I see about the subject, the more I get the impression that it's about finding something that you're passionate about, and incorporating it into your life. So I'm trying to think of what inspires me - what I can do to feel like I've left my mark on the world - or at least that I've made it a slightly better place for having been in it.

This is remarkably hard for me. I keep circling around this... and my mind gets jammed up with what I think the answer "should" be. I guess I feel like if I pursue a specific goal outside of my current role(s), that I'm somehow diminishing the value or importance of my existing responsibilities.

The simple fact is, over the years, I've lost a lot of my identity, focusing solely on being an employee, daughter, sister, mother, and wife. I've forgotten what used to make me happy before taking on these roles, and making them my priority. The me I know is only the me in each of those roles - but by myself? I don't know anymore. I've lost sight of what interests me - what inspires me - what makes me happy.

Perhaps "Be the best mother I can be" should be my life's purpose? It's a noble goal. Maybe if this were my purpose in life, my #1 goal, that the world would be a better place. But would I feel as though I didn't have my own purpose? Would it continue to leave my identity 100% tied up with my relationships and associations with others, rather than something that's just me? I think my purpose in life should be something not related to other people, necessarily, but instead be something that is mine, and mine alone. This feels selfish, though.

So I circle around it, and have yet to land on something that inspires me, drives me, and gives me a sense of purpose. I'm exploring a number of things that interest me at this point, in the hopes that I land on something that feels worthy of my pursuing it further. I have enough that I'm working on right now in my life that I'm not ready to throw myself into this pursuit whole-heartedly, but I'm definitely exploring things at this point, in the hopes that I'll stumble across my life's purpose in the process.

Stuffed

It's funny. When you're looking at healthy eating, meal plans, etc, or you consider what a portion size actually should be, most of us think "Wow - I would starve if that's all I ate - I'd be hungry all the time". This was certainly the case for me, anyway, and is still the case with many people I know. It's funny what our bodies can adjust to, though.

I've been eating "healthy" for 4 weeks, now. The first 2 weeks were much more limiting in terms of both what and how much I ate, but the last 2 weeks have included a greater variety of foods. Portion size is still a key factor, though (for everything other than low-cal veggies - you can eat as much as you want of those).

As an example, today at lunch  I had a glass of almond milk, a mix of sweet red peppers with mushrooms, and an apple. I was stuffed. I actually found myself thinking that next time I had to buy smaller apples, because I couldn't finish it all.

For dinner tonight, I had a 4oz serving of chicken breast (baked with a little Frank's hot sauce on it), about 1-2 cups of sauteed fresh mushrooms, and a fist-sized serving of baked sweet potato. I was stuffed. I practically forced myself to eat the last bite of chicken and sweet potato, and that was just because it was so yummy I wanted to taste more of it :)

This has been a huge eye-opener for me. I used to over-indulge ALL the time. I truly believed that those "recommended portion sizes" were an absolute joke, and that no normal person could eat that little. My body must be used to it by now, though. This in an of itself feels like an accomplishment for me. The fact that I can enjoy a meal that is made up of the right foods, in the right amounts, and feel full & satisfied, means that these eating habits are something I can maintain long-term, without ever feeling hungry.

Programs today seem all about the buzzwords. Gone are terms like "diet" and "exercise" as a means to reach your goals. They've now been replaced by "healthy lifestyle" and "active lifestyle" - oh - and don't forget the "total lifestyle change". I used to scoff at these things. They were just fancy packaging and terms attached to basic concepts, weren't they? I'm not so sure now... I've been on the PINK method for 4 weeks now, and I'm starting to believe the hype.

I have more energy, I don't feel hungry, I feel healthier - and I feel like the changes I'm making are ones that I can maintain for a lifetime. Proper portion sizes of nutritious foods don't leave me feeling starving, as I once thought that they would. The actually leave me feeling stuffed. I'm pretty excited about that right now.

Friendship

Science has proven that friendship is an essential element to longevity, happiness, and overall wellness. Yet it seems like (for me, anyway) when things get busy and chaotic, it's the first thing to get shuffled down to the bottom of the priority list. This is something that I need to work on - yet another thing to add to my list, I guess.

I've spent the last two evenings with friends that I've had since high school. You know the kind of friends I'm talking about - the kind that have seen you at your worst and at your best, and they love you anyway. The kind that were there to hold your hand on your wedding day. The kind that you can be apart from for months at a time, and then reconnect with as though the absence had never happened. The kind that you can sit in a comfortable silence with, without feeling the need to fill it with small talk or chatter. The kind of friend that just gets you - really understands you, so that you don't spend all your time explaining what you mean, or why you said that, or why you feel or think the way that you do.

I'm so lucky to have friends like that in my life. I need to remember that, and to not take it for granted.

Perseverance

Giving up is easy. Continuing on in the face of adversity is difficult. It can be challenging, discouraging, frustrating, and dispiriting. It's most often worth it.

I've been making good choices regarding my health and fitness over the last three and a half weeks, and for the last week and a half, my weight loss has plateaued. It was discouraging to continue doing the hard work, and declining the delicious [bad for you] foods, when I wasn't seeing the results on the scale. I stayed with the program, though, continuing to make those good choices, knowing that a) it was right for my health and b) while it may not guarantee me the results I want, making poor choices would definitely move me further away from my goals.

This morning has given me hope - I think I might've finally pushed my way past this plateau. I feel a sense of accomplishment and that rush that you get when you've worked hard to achieve something. The one you get when you've persevered despite the fact that you wanted to give up so many times. The feeling you get when you didn't give up on yourself.

It's a great feeling that I carry with me today.   :)

Butterflies

You know the feeling... you meet someone, and your heart skips a beat. You see them and your stomach feels like it's flipping (not in a pukey way). It's the butterflies that you get when you're in love.

Sometimes, you feel them, and then eventually you get used to them, and they just becomes a part of the everyday, so you don't even notice them anymore. Perhaps that feeling stays with you all the time, or perhaps it fades away without you  noticing its absence. Then every once in awhile, it hits you again - unexpectedly, thrillingly and wonderfully - catching you off guard.

Whether it be from the loving glance that lingers and makes you feel soft and special, or the absent-minded touch that instantly makes you feel connected. Whether it be from the big gestures like roses, or the little ones like offering words of encouragement. It may be a result of the small sacrifices that aren't mentioned but are done without a second thought, or the big ones involving time and effort, that are a reflection of putting someone else's needs or wants before your own. Any and all of these things have the power to create that feeling.

The last couple of days have been like that for me. I've been with my guy for just over 17 years now - and he can still give me butterflies.   <3

Boredom

I'm bored at work. I do the same things every day, day after day after day, and I'm feeling stifled, and also a little bit like I'm being wasted. My skills aren't being sharpened, I'm not being challenged... every day I work, I feel a little bit stupider, as my brain continues to go to mush from a lack of use.

There was a time when doing these same tasks did present a challenge, when I first learned them. Continuing to complete the same tasks made me feel good, because I felt like I was "mastering" them, or becoming an "expert" at them. I continued to keep myself engaged with them over time by finding new, different, and better ways to complete them, improving the process wherever possible. Now they hold nothing for me but dread, and the gnawing concern that this will be my forever, that I will slowly wither away while completing them.

Perhaps this is yet another reason why I'm focused on improving so many other aspects of my life - I need to feel challenged - I need to feel like I'm actually accomplishing something. Without doing this, I'm left feeling like something's dying inside me.

I suppose some people might think that my complaints are small, compared with what they could be. I mean, hey - I could be unemployed, right? Some might see, simply, that I get paid for doing something that I know well, and that I can do well - so no problem, right?

{sigh}

If only it were that simple. If only I didn't spend 8 hours a day doing something that made me feel small, insignificant, and of little value. If only I weren't so bored.

Motivated

I hope this doesn't jinx things (by writing about it) but my family's been really great lately with tidying up after themselves, and contributing to household chores.

I've tried all kinds of systems, and lists, and checklists, and challenges, and dozens of other gimmicky things, but nothing really clicked with people. Now we've finally got one that works.

Maybe it's also because I've redefined, and clearly defined, what constitutes a "task". Maybe it's because it engages our competitive spirits. Maybe it's because it looks fun and most tasks won't take longer than 15 minutes to complete. Maybe it's because they're older and have a better understanding of things. Whatever the reason, I'm loving it.

Everyone's picking up after themselves and looking after their own messes. They get no credit for this, and occasionally need reminders (hey - we all do sometimes), but it gets done, and this alone helps to keep things tidy.

Then, for each "task" that contributes to the household, not just the individual, they get to move a square along the chore board. When you reach the end, you get your reward (different for each of us, depending on what each person likes).

I don't know how long it will last, but I'll enjoy it while everyone's as motivated as I am, to keep our house looking it's best.

Family Time

This weekend was spent with the people I love. Hubby, kids, parents, gramma,  sister, niece and nephew.

• My immediate family worked together with me to tidy the house, do groceries, etc.
• We visited my gramma which we don't do nearly often enough. It was a lovely visit that we all enjoyed.
• We played games and cards together.
• We saw my niece's "Ice Show" (figure skating) and took tons of pics.
• My parents came over for a delicious dinner prepared by my man :)
• They stayed, visited, and played cards - just relaxing and hanging out.

At times like these, it gives me a glimpse into what our lives should be like - could be like. The weekend was wonderful - why don't we do that more often?

A slight shift in priorities is in order. Family is at the top of my list normally, but this last weekend made me realize that while that might be the case in my mind and in my heart, my actions don't always convey the fact that this is my priority.

I need to make Family Time happen more often. I want more wonderful weekends like this :)

Willpower

Willpower is a funny thing. It's something that we put a lot of stock in, and feel like in order to achieve certain things, we must have it. Alternatively, it can be a handy excuse to give up on things, with a claim that there's insufficient willpower to get to the goal.

Willpower is not like gasoline required to make the car get to work. Fact: a car cannot run without fuel (be it electric, or gas). Fact: personal goals can be achieved by making choices that move us closer to our goals, rather than further away.

Everyone has the ability to make choices - and our choices (aka our actions) are what determine our path, and therefore our destination. I'm not going to say that making the "right" choice is always easy - far from it. I'm only saying that it's not like we don't know what the right choice is.

Someone recently said in a presentation, "Whenever you're struggling with making a decision, do the right thing. You know in your gut what the right thing is; you just need to do it". This clicked for me.

• Do I bail on plans that I made with someone because this other fun thing just came up?
• Do I order the grilled chicken wrap and salad, or the deep-fried fish and chips?
• Do I slack off and relax now, with the intention of getting my work done later?

These are the sort of decisions we make every day. Sometimes, the "wrong thing" can be very tempting, but we always know what the "right thing" is. We just need to make the choice to do it.

• Is doing the "new fun thing" more important than keeping your commitments?
• Is enjoying a meal that's admittedly delicious, but bad for you now, worth the price to your body in terms of how you look and feel afterwards? Does it taste as good as healthy feels?
• Is enjoying sloth and laziness now worth the price of either scrambling later, or not completing a task that you should have? Something that someone was counting on you to do?

The answers to these questions will be a reflection of personal values and what the "right thing" is, based on those values.

So what's needed, then, to do the right thing and move you closer to your goals?

Some self-control, perhaps, yes. A clear sense of what's important to you and what isn't, yes. An understanding of where you want to be and what you need to do to get you there, yes. I don't see that willpower is an essential element here.